Hearts were forced into several changes before their clash with Top of the League HSBC due to a long list of absentees. The Hearts were missing Keeper Bailey and 3 Centre Halves N64, Dearnsy and Sam who were all away on a weekend course called ‘Defending for Beginners’ at Lilleshall. Wes Johnson was attending a Gay Wedding and the Mitchell brothers were split up as Phil was away filming the 2^nd series of Britain’s Hardest. 

It meant a return for Spacehopper enthusiast Slocombe, Wylie, Taylor and Ian Tracey in goal, who had been away on tour promoting his latest Bollywood Blockbuster “Bouncy Boy Does Bombay”. Also missing was Paris Hilton’s Little Red Demon as it had been broken into earlier in the week. The good news is that the LRD is only out for one week and is expected back for the trip to Holmesfield.

Bambi on Ice

It wasn’t just Hilton Junior that was having a bad day, as Sacred Hearts No. 1 Fan Mr Hilton Senior whilst still on crutches performed what can only be described as ‘new-age disco’ on the sidelines. 

HSBC started in the ascendancy most probably due to the Hearts boys still concentrating on the Jordan & slap that girl porno movies viewed and passed round the Sony Ericsson K700 mobiles in the dressing room. They took the lead through ‘Judas’ Brooksbank, left unmarked in an offside position to slot past Tracey. The goal seemed to wake the Hearts up and they got back into the game through Taylor ‘opening his account’ for the season with a low strike down to the keepers right after a fine lay off by Cartridge (yes Cartridge!).  

Triplets

Both sides went close to taking the lead shortly after, a HSBC corner fell to one of three triplet midfielders who returned the ball with ‘interest’, a sweet volley that hit the base of the post. The woodwork was then attacked again as Linnell slipped the ball through to Taylor only for his effort to rebound back out to safety. 

Half Time: Sacred Heart 1 HSBC 1 

The second half saw Hearts, with the wind at their backs, try to push forward for a winner. ‘Credit’ must go to HSBC as they defended resolutely and were content to hit on the break. They did this to great effect as first Brooksbank broke down the right and crossed for the centre forward to slot past Tracey and secondly when a good move down the left saw the winger feed Brooksbank who due slotted past a static Tracey for his second of the match. 

Double Entry

This double blow basically ended the game as a contest and Hearts were now more eager to argue amongst themselves than try and get back into the game. HSBC saw out the remainder of the game to remain in top spot and on current form, deservedly so. 

It was a big disappointment for Hearts biggest ever crowd (most of who were female) of 14, especially Little Rob’s great fan club who had dressed up in pigtails for the occasion. It was great to see such a crowd, the likes of which Aurora has not seen since Tom Jones played the venue in 1983. Unfortunately, no damp panties were thrown onto the pitch after this dreadful display. 

Afterwards Player / Manager Linnell agreed “That display was one of the worst since I took this job, it must be bad when there’s more ‘talent’ sat in the dugout / on the touchline than on the pitch, and I don’t mean our subs!! If this carries on, I may have to apply for the Wednesday job” 

Full Time : Sacred Heart 1 HSBC 3 

Sacred Heart :Tracey, Wooffinden, Slocombe, Thompson, Linnell, Taylor, Merrill (Consentino), Wylie (Cutts), Aspinall, Cartridge ©, Hilton : All Subs used and Abused

HSBC: Bond, Isa, D.Ebit, C.R.Edit, Cash, Brooksbank, D. Posit, A.T. Machine, T. Eller, Visa, Access. 

Next week, 26^th September, sees Hearts away to Holmesfield at Coal Aston Recreation Ground. Kick off 11am.