Hearts bounced back from their opening day disaster at Hillsborough Phoenix to register their first League points of the season with a comprehensive victory over a strangely poor York Hotel side. Manager Linnell was a little confused at first as Alex and Mark argued over who was the oldest and so who could be Grant and who could be Phil. Phil informed the manager he would not be able to make next week as the new series of Britain’s Hardest begins filming. To which the manager replied “really” in total belief.

Fashion Tips

It didn’t start too well though, as the Hearts boys were forced to wear the lovely change kit of bright orange shirts with the normal blue shorts and blue socks. The shirts probably fitted the players back in 1875 when the kit was first showcased by ProStar. The only one who seemed to enjoy the tight fitting tangerine numbers was man fashion expert Danny “Who let the dogs out” Wooffinden. An ecstatic Danny claimed, “Ooooh, I just love the fit, and the colour, wow, it just screams autumn.” To back up this claim Wesley “Snipes” Johnson added “I love the feel of that tight material against my skin, reminds me of last night”

Hearts who got their passing game going on the lovely pitch up at Warminster Road dominated the opening exchanges. Absent from the line up was Sam (injured), Belk (Anderton, so injured, Luca has more chance of being fit to play) and Taylor (absent due to location of pitch or perhaps injury, picked up at some point during Saturday). The only surprise was that it took until the 20^th minute for Hearts to open the scoring. A ball into the channel found the hard working Robby Aspinall, who was no doubt encouraged by his two massive supporters on the touchline, he cut inside his marker and lashed an unstoppable strike passed the York keeper.

Hearts continued to press forward and even though they were playing up the slope and against the wind, chances were coming thick and fast. Linnell drove a great effort just wide after good build up play involving Merrill, Oliver, Wooffinden and Cartridge. Cartridge then had 2 chances in quick succession. Great play by Paris and Snipes down the left wing saw Paris play a fabulous cross straight along the 6 yard box with Cartridge inches from connecting with a spectacular diving header. Minutes later Little Rob was cynically challenged when bearing down on goal and the resulting free kick was curled round the wall by Cartridge and looked to be dipping under the bar until the keeper stretched out a hand.

Flattley

Hearts were getting plenty of joy down the wings, although they didn’t have it all their own way. Snipes broke down the left, one on one with the full back, Wes tried a Ronaldo / Michael Flattley type step over but ended up looking more like Michael Crawford “Ooooh Betty” as he tricked everyone by falling over the ball. Andy Bailey only had one scare in the Hearts goal, racing out at the feet of the York number 9. Andy took a knock to the knee and after several minutes of treatment bravely continued.

Hearts doubled the lead just before half time when handball was given in the York area. Captain Cartridge smashed home the penalty ending his 2 game goal drought and regaining the leading scorer crown, albeit jointly, from the smug Grant Mitchell and not as smug Little Rob.

Half Time 0-2

Sloppy Seconds

If Hearts dominated the first half, the second half couldn’t have started much worse. Sloppy play at the back allowed the York striker to get between Tommo and Andy and nip in to pull a goal back for the hosts. In the past this team may have struggled after such a setback and conceded more. Not so, the Hearts boys upped the tempo in search of further goals and re-emphasised their dominance of the game. The ball was not out of the York half for long periods of the second half and it was only a matter of time before the visitors extended their lead once more.

A great ball into the box saw the York defence static as Paris pounced with the speed of a little red demon to slot home from 12 yards. Further pressure saw Woofer break down the right and cross into the 6-yard box. The keeper looked to have caught the ball but it spilled from his hands. There was Cartridge, expert in any kind of tight box, to tap in right footed, yes that’s right it was right footed, tell your kids you were there.

Player / Manager Linnell made sure all the subs got a run with Ted replacing Phil Mitchell in the centre of midfield, Slow to come replaced the boy Snipes at left back and the crazy Dutch Superstar “I can play on this astro-grass” came on for the N64 with Linnell dropping to centre back. Despite filling in at centre back, this didn’t stop Linnell bombing forward and sending a missile like shot from 30 yards dipping onto the under side of the bar. Luckily for Linnell, as the ball bounced back Cartridge was on hand to complete his perfect hat trick with a diving header.

At 5-1 up the Hearts eased off a bit but were still creating chances. Merrill did well to beat 2 players before skipping past a 3^rd and unleashing a daisy cutting, toe bunger back pass into the arms of the grateful York keeper.

Easy, Easy, Easy

The highlight of the 2^nd half, if not the match, must have been when Joe Nintendo, after being substituted, re-emerged from the dressing room in orange spandex with Ultimate Warrior tassels and paraded up and down the touchline taunting the York captain Andre the Giant “Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy” he cried.

Afterwards manager Linnell said “It’s great to get the first points on the board, especially against the stars of WWF, oops I don’t mean the World Wildlife Fund, can we get sued for that? Anyway we showed great bouncebackability after the defeat against Hillsborough Phoenix and we must continue to play to the standards we set today.”

Full Time 1-5

Teams

Sacred Heart: Bailey, Wooffinden, Johnson (Slocombe), Thompson, Ntiedu (Andresson), Oliver (Wylie), Linnell, Merrill, Aspinall, Cartridge (C), Hilton. Subs Not Used and Abused: All used and abused.

York Hotel Athletic: Hogan, Savage, Undertaker, Haystacks, Daddy, Andre T. Giant, Warrior, Doom (Legion of), Austin, Michaels, O’Brien