Goals on Monday

            Monday 6th September 2004                                                                                                                  Keeping Abreast of Matters

 

HEARTS OPENING DAY DISAPOINTMENT (BUT STILL BETTER THAN LAST YEAR)

By Desmond Aster

Hillsborough Phoenix 5 Sacred Heart 0

Hearts got off to the now customary dreadful start to the season as they opened their Meadowhall League Division 1 campaign with a 5-0 defeat against a good looking Hillsborough Phoenix side (and I don’t mean they were all sexy boys, we’ll have to ask Woofer that one, see below). The Hearts boys matched last seasons 2^nd division champions for long periods of the game and the scoreline perhaps flattered the hosts a little. 

It all got off to a great start though. As Player / Manager “Swampy” Linnell was in the middle of a morale boosting team talk, which involved slating the whole team both individually and collectively, we were joined by non other than Sir Alex Ferguson as Boatang leaned back and set off the on the wall hand dryer. Special mention must go to the motivational technique used on Sam who was told “you could be rubbish, I’ve never seen you play.” It worked though as Sam was one of the better Hearts boys on the day 

Psychic Ref

The Referee, Russell Grant, was very perceptive with his choice of Linesman from the Hearts subs bench choosing a certain gentleman for ‘Ins and Outs only’, this was no problem for Taylor, an expert in such matters. 

Last time Hearts visited Hillsborough Phoenix, they were 4-0 down after 20 minutes and this game got off to a similar start. Even with the Hearts starting with their new look central midfield partnership of Phil and Grant Mitchell, Hillsborough romped into a 3 goal lead thanks to a follow up after Thompson had saved a well struck free kick, a header from a cross shot that the forward didn’t really know much about and a second well taken free kick. Hearts were still in the game though although their best chance was a deflected Aspinall cross that looped over the keeper who somehow tipped the ball over the bar for a corner. 

Great assets 

Hearts were forced into a substitution as Steven “Anderton” Belk was forced off with yet another injury. It’s a good job this team has 47 right backs as it must the most injury prone position in the side. As Belky looked on from the sidelines it appeared the rest of the team had been also directing their attentions there. Afterwards a Hearts player who wishes to remain anonymous commented on the first half distractions “no wonder we were 3-0 down after 30 minutes, its all Little Robs fault, everyone kept looking at the touchline, his missus shouldn’t have such large…….well you know…….assets” 

Half Time 3-0

The second half saw Hearts up the tempo and match the hosts for long periods. The best chance for the visitors falling to hotshot Cartridge after a great through ball from substitute Ted, again the keeper making a good save to deny the Hearts Captain. Hearts pushed forward to try and get back into the game and were always likely to concede as Phoenix caught them on the break. One such break lead to the 4^th with a superb volley giving Tommo no chance and an offside 5^th ended any hopes the Hearts boys had of a comeback. 

The difference between the 2 sides was that Hillsborough took their chances and Hearts never really tested the home keeper. Also Mark “flapper” Thompson was deputising in goal for the absent Andy Bailey and although Tommo did a fantastic job, he is not a keeper. Nevertheless credit must go to the opposition who will more than likely be challenging for honours and consecutive league titles come the end of the season. 

Gay Porno 

It must be said the team were still in a buoyant mood afterwards despite the defeat and the showers losing all water. A cold tap was used instead as all that could be heard from the away dressing room was “Again…dip me again, I’m not going nowhere me son, dip me again". Former TV Star of the Adult Channel’s hit series “Future Boys” and fan of the series of films  “All soaped up and hard”, Danny “Who let the Dogs Out” Wooffinden commented on Cartridge, Merrill and Thompson still soaped up when the water stopped. “That looks like the start of a gay porno”. 

Player / Manager Linnell said afterwards “Although we were soundly beaten, at least we had 11 men and didn’t lose 7-0 like last years opener. They are probably the best side we have played, certainly since I have been at the club. I take positives from the game and if we play like that against other teams, we’ll do alright this season.” He also praised Little Rob “he had a good game and if he can bring any more supporters, perhaps she has some mates, that would be nice. I’ll have 20 subs to choose from then, remember kids Guns don’t kill people, wappers do”

Full Time 5-0

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