HEARTS EARN THEIR SPURS

By Pearl. N. Ecklace

High Noon 0 Sacred Heart 1

The First Round of the Meadowhall League Cup took Sacred Heart to Davy Sports to kick-off their season against High Noon from the 2^nd division. A Large crowd witnessed the Hearts claim their first clean sheet in almost 14 years thanks to stand in keeper Liam Cartridge who deputised for the absent Andy Bailey.

Little Red Demon

Although it all nearly began in disaster before kick-off as Paris Hilton was nearly squashed to death in his Sports car at the gates. By the time it took Paris to find First gear the gates were closing in on his Little Red Demon, instead of First he found reverse much to the amusement of the rest of the team. After medical attention the car was deemed fit and well by the club doctor.

High Noon’s Young Guns started brightly but without really troubling Cartridge in the visitors goal. Hearts game back into the game after weathering the early Noon storm and went into the lead thanks to an Alex Merrill Free-kick which looked to be sailing over the bar until the High Noon Keeper did fantastically to get a hand to it and divert into his own goal. Merrill said afterwards "what do you mean a cross? That cup final one a few years ago, now that was a cross"

After good build up play by Hearts down the right wing, the ball was crossed along the 6 yard box, unfortunately showing an indication of what was to come player/manager Linnell managed to miss the target from 4 yards. He claimed Paris touched it away from him but he appeared to kick it away from his striking foot with his standing foot.

The Noon boys seemed more interested in kicking the Hearts team around like a tumble weed in the wind and as a result the first half was littered with free kicks to the away side. They didn’t just pick on Little Rob either, all the Hearts boys got a saloon style brawling. Luckily half time was approaching and a drinks break, although Hearts had brought water the Noon team had fetched some sippin’ Whisky.

Ref Abuse

The home side were awarded one free kick in a dangerous position on the edge of the Hearts penalty area in the dying seconds of the half. It was not for a foul, but due to the Black Pebble commencing his personal ref abuse campaign for this season and at the earliest available opportunity. The fact that Hearts had the ball and were on the attack didn’t deter the N64 from his 30 second rant at the official. Luckily the Noon’s dead ball specialist sent the ball high and wide.

Half Time 0-1

Kicking down the slope in the second half the home side were giving the Hearts defence plenty of problems but without really testing the stand in custodian. Perhaps the home sides luck was best summed up when Nutter sent a shot from the edge of the box that looked to be dipping under the bar for the equaliser but Cartridge performed like Edward Woodward and produced a world class tip over.

Protest

As the half wore on Hearts player/manager “Swampy” Linnell continued to look jaded, not surprising considering his week long stand off up a tree demonstrating against the Governments new M1 extension proposals. Mark Thompson playing centre half put in another solid performance, perhaps trying to impress his fan club / wife swapping club on the side lines.

In the dying seconds the home side pushed for the goal to force extra time and it was Last Chance Saloon for High Noon’s winger, C. Eastwood with his teams best opportunity, a one on one with Cartridge, but the striker trembled under the Authoritive figure of the Hearts Captain and shot wide.

Afterward a jubilant Cartridge commented “even if it had been on target I would have saved it…have you seen the size of my hands! They’re massive!”

Player/Manager Linnell was pleased with the victory but afterwards said “we didn’t play to our capabilities but we’re in the hat for the next round and that’s all that matters. On a personal note, I was rubbish and I’ve never played as bad in my life. I’m dropping myself on Sunday even if we’ve only got 11 men, we’ll be better with 10.”

Full Time 0-1