It was Cup week for our Hearty Heroes and a tricky match against higher league opposition in Punchbowl Crookes was in store.

For the first time in 122 years the Hearts were able to start the match with the same back four for the second game running. After last weeks rollocking from Manager Swampy about punctuality to his players, “Dildo King” Tommo took this onboard and appeared 20 minutes before kick off though he didn’t miss much as this weeks team talk will go down in history as one of the gayest ever. Speaking to a new central midfield pairing of Sean “Medium Boy” White and Taylor, Swampy enthused ”look I know you two haven’t played with each other before today, unlike everyone else, who have all played with each other for ages, but just break each other in gently!” Our Manager, it needs to be told to our readers, is a long sufferer of “Muppetitis*” (*definition below). 

Shagged Out 

Surprisingly there was only one change in the entire line up with Pugil Stick Enthusiast Rhino being replaced by a “shagged out” Eugene, who was still recovering from a busy time in Leeds the week previous with a mystery female (D*$$a). During the warm-up the Hearts probably threw away the psychological edge on the their opponents as they all legged it back into the warm dressing room when it started raining. 

The Referee was the same as the week before and had still not sobered up. Despite this, with both teams known for their love of the passing game, the game started brightly. Chances were at a premium though and the scoring did not start until midway through the 1st half. A ball into the box from Eugene fell behind all the Hearts forwards. Cartridge was first to the loose ball and was upended by the Punchbowl centre back. The ref had no hesitation in pointing to the spot, even though he claimed to have seen at least 3 balls and 4 tackles all at the same time. Dearnsy later confirmed he plays every match like that. Up stepped the ever reliable Hearts Captain as CARTRIDGE opened the scoring from 12 yards. 

This seemed to motivate the hosts who started to take the game more and more to the Hearts boys. The quality of the Premier Division outfit showed as they not only equalised but took the lead with two sweet passing moves leaving some of the Hearts chasing shadows (and Hank Marvin, no the singer not Belky’s hair). It has to be said that the kind of passing and movement the Hearts defence in particular were up against is rarely seen in Division 1 so to only be 1 goal behind approaching ½ time was a credit to Whitby and his defence as usually they are suspect (and by suspect, we really mean shite). 

Coming from Behind 

Just as Hearts thought they would be going in to the break behind, the ref again gave them a lifeline. Cartridge was chasing a ball that looked destined to go out when the same Punchbowl defender clipped his heels right on the edge of the penalty box. Again the ref had no hesitation and to be fair there were little or no protests from the home side. Yet again CARTRIDGE dispatched the spot kick this time sending the keeper the wrong way. This reporter couldn’t possibly comment but fans were heard to remark “it’s the only way he can score goals at the moment.” 

Half Time: Punchbowl Crookes 2 Sacred Heart 2 

The second period was all about who would take the glory and get the winner putting his side into the next Round rather than the Tinsley Trophy. Kicking up the slope, The Hearts were struggling to get out of their own half and it seemed only a matter of time before Punchbowl snatched the lead back. Despite this the 1st real chance fell to Hearts diminutive striker Wee Man. A poor clearance by the home keeper saw Cartridge win his header and put Wee Man through. He drew the keeper out and struck a left footed drive across him, most people expected the net to bulge (like Wee Man’s trousers when his fan club gets busy) but the shot drifted agonisingly wide. 

Ghosting In 

This was Hearts only real opening and another sweet passing move saw the festively named Parkin “ghost” in at the back post to put the hosts back in front. This seemed to dampen the (panties) Hearts spirits and heads started to drop. Unfortunately as Hearts pushed for an equaliser in a bid to force extra time, Punchbowl repeatedly caught the visitors on the break and one such break led to the 4th for the home side to put a somewhat flattering look to the scoreline. 

All in all, the best team won but Hearts showed they can match higher level opposition for long periods but need to be more focussed for the whole 90 minutes if they are going to ultimately succeed at this level. 

Full Time Punchbowl Crookes 4 Sacred Heart 2 

Sacred Heart Team : Whitby, Thompson (Belk), Johnson, Slocombe, Ntiedu, Brooksbank, Taylor, White, Hilton (Linnell), Cartridge, Aspinall. Sub not used and Abused : Boateng 

Punchbowl Crookes Team : G.Fawkes, T.Rick, T.Reat, F.Irework, B.Onfire, B.Anger, Parkin, C.Wheel, H.Alloween, T.Apples, S.Parkler