Following last weeks disappointing Cup exit to Premier League Punchbowl Crookes, Hearts were back to bread and butt (her) league action against struggling Packhorse Inn who had only registered 1 league point all season against fellow 1 pointers HSBC and were also KO’d from the Cup last week but by 2^nd Division Sharrow Utd. The Hearts Boys were still in confident moods though having won 3 of the last 4 league games and currently occupying a 3^rd place spot in the table.

Sex Harness 

The reliable “if you’re here, you’re playing” team selection tactic was again employed by Manager Swampy for this one as Hearts were once more missing several key players. Paris was away shooting more filth for the internet, ironically actually in Paris. Hmmmm Paris in Paris, this reporter would pay good money to see that. Dearnsy out did even his own low standards by actually pulling out (at the last minute) of the fixture at 2am from Republic while relatively sober (for him anyway, he’d had 12 pints and 6 Whiskey Chasers). Woofer and Brian Connelly were still on the long-term sick list and were joined by Tommo who stubbed his toe while hosting an unnamed female into a sex harness. Rhino was called up at the last minute for a Gladiators Xmas DVD filming and Joe Nintendo had run out of mushroom power ups so was only fit for the bench. 

So bad was the Hearts personnel crisis that Swampy actually started himself and the Crazy Dutch Superstar was dug up from under Flem’s patio to take a place on the bench disappointingly without his usual Nordic Headgear. New signing Steve “we’ll rip him later when he’s been here a few weeks” Bullough took his place at the centre of the defence along side Paddy “Slocombe” McGuiness. The Peruvian Love Machine continued to fill in for Woofer (with his missus and) at right back and a still D.S.D. (Dearnsy Standard Drunk) Wes “one lot of chips & curry sauce is not enough” Johnson completed a formidable Hearts rear guard. Eugene, Sean “mine’s still a medium” White and Taylor (who now has made more appearances in the last month than the previous 4 years combined) joined Swampy in a totally non defensive midfield with the usual out and out pace of Cartridge and Wee Man up top (Wee man is used to loads up top). 

Mower Racing 

Special mention must go to the Groundsman at Packhorse who had prepared a beautiful surface fit for only the finest lawn mower racing, cow grazing or the planting of crops. Clearly this affected the Hearts boys who took time adjusting to the uneven and boggy surface by which time Packhorse had taken an early lead. The ball bounced around the box (she must have had a large box) and a Packhorse forward looped a header over the static Whitby to give the home side a lead not really against the run of play after only 8 minutes. 

This seemed to wake up the Hearts boys who then started to take the game to the hosts. Bizarrely Packhorse had decided to try and play an offside trap against probably the 2 quickest forwards in World football history (as Swampy commented himself at half time) and given the surface was not really conducive to Hearts normal passing game, the best option was nearly always a ball over the top into the channels for Hearts 2 forwards to chase. This got Hearts level some 6 minutes after going behind as Sean of the Dead played a deft through ball for “Lesbian” CARTRIDGE to run onto a chip the onrushing keeper for a deserved equaliser. 

This lifted the Hearts still further and they started to (Dick and) Dom-inate the game. It was no surprise then when Hearts got in front midway through the half. A ball was played in the air to Speed Freak and Big Brother Geek Eugene who nonchalantly flicked a header into the path of the “homosexual” CARTRIDGE who bravely got a touch before the crazy keeper, who seemed to enjoy flying off his line at high speeds (see Taylor for advice later), and guided the ball home. 

Even at 2-1 and seemingly coasting Hearts still had to be alert as Packhorse tried to get a goal to get back into the game. An attack down the right wing saw a ball into the box go straight through most of the Hearts defence to the home (boy) left winger who met the ball with a fierce drive that looked destined for the top corner and an undeserved equaliser. From nowhere though Whitby’s hand appeared (a bit like one of those big foam jobs you get at the Hallam FM Arena) and diverted the ball for a corner. A world class save from Dom and he still had time to sing the kids on the sideline a song about it after in “da” Bungalow. 

This scare saw the Hearts again up the tempo. The central midfield pairing of Taylor and Swampy had looked a little jaded up until this point, as though marking their men wasn’t really what being a midfielder was all about. This seemed to upset Captain Cartridge all throughout the 1^st half, that was right up until the point where Swampy picked up the ball in acres of space due to his man being miles away and sent another inch perfect pass over the heads of the now irate Packhorse defence. Hearts Captain then ran onto the pass, put the ball one way round the again charging keeper, ran the other and slotted an easy finish into the unguarded net for a 1^st half hat trick for the “raging bender” CARTRIDGE.

Easy, Easy, Easy 

At this point the Hearts boys felt certain they could see the Crazy Dutch Superstar energetically running around the grounds of High Green School while singing “Easy, easy, easy”. There was still time for the Packhorse defence to stupidly try and play Wee Man offside yet again. As Cartridge played a ball into the space behind them, Wee Man simply set off from his own half. Out came the keeper like lightning yet again, this time getting there in time to foil the youngster. The ball then rebounded off Cartridge and back to Wee Man who lifted a shot towards the empty net. Luckily for the home side a defender deflected the ball into the ground and just over the bar to close out the 1^st period. 

The home defence really couldn’t cope with the pace and intelligent passing of the Hearts boys and spent so much time worrying about the speed of Wee Man that they forgot to notice that Captain Cartridge had bagged a hat trick. So much in the dark they were (eh Yoda!) that they were heard to comment at half time as follows:

Midfielder  “I’m not being funny but you can’t play offside when he’s in his own half" Defender “ Well you try and fucking catch him then.” 

Half Time: Packhorse Inn 1 Sacred Heart 3 

Pulled off 

The second half started with the Swampy and Taylor partnership still in the same dynamic form as before. So much so that Swampy was heard to ask Taylor “so what’s the score Rye?” Hearts were content to sit back and defend their 2 goal cushion and hit Packhorse on the break now kicking up the slope. An injury to Eugene, apparently he was a bit “stiff”, meant possibly a final appearance for the Crazy Dutch One who came on to add some actual defending to the midfield. The N64 also had to make an appearance after debutant Steve needed to be pulled off by the manager. Swampy neither confirmed nor denied that being pulled off by the manager was now an integral part of all new Hearts’ player’s contracts. 

The Crazy Dutchman’s first involvement was to win a free kick out wide on the right. The Peruvian Love God floated a ball towards the edge of the box where Cartridge beautifully headed down and picked out the unmarked Taylor 12 yards from goal. Out came the keeper at 100mph yet again and this seemed to startle the Rye-man like a bunny (well, he nails like one) in the headlights. Cue a slow motion shot that hit the keeper who by now was 1 inch from Taylor’s toes, a position not many people (even experienced chiropodists) would fancy being in. 

“Shoots” Nice & Early

Hearts could consider themselves unlucky not to be further in front by now but the 4^th goal duly arrived after some more neat interplay involving Sean of the Dead, Swampy and Cartridge finishing with the long haired protestor playing Captain in on the left hand corner of the box. Foolishly the keeper thought a cross was coming (he’s obviously not seen the Hearts Captain at work before, we’ll send him a DVD, an adult one not a football one) and edged out from the near post to cut out the ball in. This was all the invitation “back-door merchant” CARTRIDGE needed to slot in his 4^th and end the game as a contest. Although like it made any difference, we all know he was going to shoot whatever happened, a bit like a Saturday night then. 

Full Time: Packhorse Inn 1 Sacred Heart 4 

Sacred Heart: Whitby, Belk, Johnson, Bullough (Ntiedu), Slocombe, White, Brooksbank (Andresson), Linnell, Aspinall, Cartridge, Taylor. All subs used and abused. 

Packhorse Inn: No team sheet handed into Goals on Monday Team. 

After the game certain Hearts Boys were discussing GoM as this reporter caught up with them in the showers, now no getting jealous Woofer. 

“Well sometimes there’s just not enough football in the reports. It’s all jokes and innuendos, I’d like a bit more of the footy”