Following another 2 week lay off since their last game, our heroes faced an Arbouthorne EA side full of youthful exuberance with the same record this season in what was described by player / manager / numpty – Swampy as “an early season 6 pointer!” 

Hearts, as is the usual these days, went into the game without a plethora of regular first team stars; Woofer was still struggling with his anal injury although Wes had recovered – you draw your own conclusions from that! Brian Connolly appears to have retired (with Merrill), having been shot by a sniper in the seasons opener. Dearns’ was missing after receiving a liver transplant from George Best.  Crazy Dutch Superstar was barely able to walk after his run in with former Hearts assistant manager and father of his ex – Flem,  

Dirty Weekend 

The two new absentees from the last game could well be a future GoM exclusive all on its own. Eugene was away for what he described to his manager as “a dirty weekend in Leeds.” A forlorn looking Johnny Vegas was dropped from the 16, despite Hearts only having 12 fit (ish) players for “Personal reasons” according to Swampy. GoM can confirm rumours that Vegas’ wife was also in Leeds for the weekend!!! This would tie in with Donna being overheard to say “well I had all the others when he (Vegas) was in India, Eugene was a banker then so missed his turn.”

Hearts lined up with Dom being the luckiest man alive in retaining the number 1 shirt. The alleged stopper has less clean sheets to his name than Hearts Captain Pornstar! The Playa continued at right back, with tough tackling Wes regaining his place at left back. N64 and Paddy at centre half completed the tightest rearguard of the season. 

In midfield, Ryan Taylor doubled his appearances for the previous 3 seasons by turning out for the 2^nd week running. Sean of the Dead replaced 2 goal hero Vegas alongside midfield general Rhino, with Paris, who only just made it for kick off, chosen in his preferred position at left midfield – Paris, that’s midfield, not wing! Cartridge kept his place up front, after receiving counselling for his recent performances, partnering the livewire Wee Man. 

Swampy’s inspirational pre-match team talk was masterful in building up the players confidence and straight from the kick off, his words of wisdom were digested quicker than a pie on Vegas’ plate. Hearts created a couple of early openings with quality balls being played into the channels for Wee Man and Cartridge to run riot over the ageing, sluggish visitors defenders. 

The awful monsoons didn’t dampen (the panties) the enthusiasm of a record home crowd for the Hearts, however they began to have an effect on the football being played. Passes were skidding off the sodden turf and neither side really settled on it. Indeed, the conditions created the visitors only chance of the first half. Paddy misjudged the bounce of a through ball and slipped as he tried to hook it over his head. The visitors Lithuanian international whipped in a dangerous cross that was headed straight at Dom. 

Sphincter Twitching 

Despite completely dominating the first half, Hearts went in goalless at the interval having only created one clear cut opening. A great ball in from a Paris corner saw Cartridge to rise majestically only to power a header way over the cross bar. The performance will have delighted Swampy, but the score would have left his sphincter twitching in this must win game. 

Half Time Sacred Heart 0 Arbourthorne EA 0 

More inspirational words from Swampy followed, telling the boys how well they’d played in the first half. But reinforcing the need for an early goal in the second half. Having been easily the better side in the first half, it was surely a matter of when not if. And surely enough it was only 5 minutes into the second period that the opening arrived in true Hearts trademark style!!! A ball over the top bounced in behind N64 and Dom, N64 had obviously not been on charge over night and fannied around with his clearance (as usual). Dom stood watching without a care in the world and the visitors striker mugged them both and hammered home from 6 yards. 

An early reply was absolutely vital for our heroes to have any chance of pressing for the winner their performance this far had merited and it came though a generous decision from the pissed up referee. A good cross from the right hand side evaded the entire defence, straight to an unmarked Cartridge at the far post. His header beat the keeper, who innocently collided with the striker, but failed to cross the line. However, the legless Pikey had no hesitation in pointing to the spot and CARTRIDGE duly obliged by netting his first goal since 1983. 

Hearts were now up in the ascendancy, so to try and even things up, Swampy pulled Tommo off (rumours are now circulating that this is not the first time the player / manager has pulled Tommo off either before, during or after a game, indeed some have suggested his lack of appearances for Hearts recently are due to Laura not allowing him to play because of her jealously of the nomadic gypo) and entered the field himself. The decision to play himself up front, moving Wee Man out wide proved to be tactical genius. The veteran manager played a wonderful reverse pass through to Wee Man, who made a great run inside off the wing, he took the ball in his stride, drew the keeper and dinked it over him for ASPINALL to put Hearts 2-1 up. The visitors back line were not as impressed as the fanatical crowd and complained bitterly to the referee that Wee Man was offside.  

With time running out, Arbourthorne threw the kitchen sink at Hearts but stout defending by the home sides back line kept them at bay. At one point, Wes who models his game on former England left back Stuart Pearce (especially the way in which he hiked his shorts up), unsurprisingly laid his body on the line by throwing himself at a shot which was undoubtedly heading for the back of the net, with the ball rebounding to safety. 

The visitors attacking intentions left gaps at the back, leading to Hearts creating a number of chances to increase their slender lead. Unfortunately the best two fell to Paris, who by now had decided he was going to play as a 3^rd striker. The first was the easiest chance of the game, from less than a yard out he somehow managed to blaze the ball over the bar and minutes later when teed up by the unselfish Cartridge unleashed a rocket left footed volley, but somehow managed to completely miss the ball! 

As the ref blew the full time whistle on a pulsating 90 minutes of football, the capacity crowd who had braved the atrocious weather applauded both sides from the field. GoM managed to catch up with the ref, to explain his decisions on the dubious penalty and the suspicion of offside for the winner. He said: “I couldn’t see a feckin’ thing, I’m absolutely blind drunk! For Wee Man’s goal, I nearly gave offside but couldn’t be sure which of the 4 Wee Man was the real one! As for the peno, I felt sorry for Cartridge – he’d missed yet another sitter and I wanted to give him the chance to end the barren spell. I’ll be seeing you next week boys!” 

Full Time Sacred Heart 2 Arbourthorne EA 1 

Sacred Heart Team : Whitby, Thompson (Linnell), Johnson, Slocombe, Ntiedu, Taylor, Oliver, White, Hilton, Cartridge, Aspinall.