Following the sloppy (seconds) performance and subsequent defeat in the Hearts last outing against Handsworth Old Crown almost 3 months ago, our heroes went looking to put things right against a struggling HSBC team missing both their goalscorers from the previous Sunday (wonder who those Judas twats were!!!, clue DB & IS).

Despite not having played for what seemed like an age, Hearts injury crisis had not been relieved. They were missing Woofer and Wes with massive anal injuries, Dearns was not fit enough to start the game due to failing vital organs, The Crazy Dutch Superstar we think may now be under Flem’s patio, Sean of the Dead was on honeymoon with the Corpse Bride and Brian Connolly had still not recovered from his opening day injury. 

Hearts lined up with Dom in goal – still missing Dick (unlike Wes & Woofer) and looking for the first clean sheet of his career. Injury prone Belk replaced the injured Woofer. N64 returned at centre half to partner Paddy McGuiness, who was making his first start of the season having injured his ankle miss kicking the ball in pre-season training. Paris at left back completed a strong looking back line. 

Eugene lined up against his former club at right wing, Hearts stalwart Ryan Taylor made a rare start on the left wing with Rhino as the midfield minder and Johnny Vegas was bizarrely given a free role by the clueless player?? / Manager Swampy. Cartridge partnered Wee Man up front, with the youngster looking to finally overcome his injury problems. Dearns was picked up from a gutter at about 10.10 on Sunday morning to take a place on the bench – not that he knew anything about it alongside the unlucky Merrill, veteran Swampy and the ever reliable playa Tommo.

The game started with HSBC determined to show they were in a false position. They aimed numerous high balls up to their giant centre forward who amazingly was outjumped by N64, he had obviously picked up several “power-ups” from Princess Daisy (well we think that’s her name, “I love you Joesy Woesy”) that morning. Paddy reminded the Hearts faithful what they had missing this season with some resolute, if a little unorthodox, defending. 

Hearts began to get a foothold in the game and started to create chances. From a corner, Paris whipped in a dangerous ball that was met powerfully by the head of Cartridge. The prolific striker was unmarked 6 yards out, but his effort flew high, wide and very ugly. 

The first goal of the game went with the run of play. Good work down the left hand channel saw Taylor play a great one two with Cartridge (yes he did pass the ball back to a team mate, some thought it was a mis-control but video evidence later showed it was a pass) and then released Eugene down the right. Eugene’s centre aimed for Cartridge picked out Taylor’s continued run and with the ball a little behind him and Cartridge screaming for it to be his, TAYLOR decided to stoop and fire a header into the bottom corner with the keeper getting the slightest of touches to give Hearts the lead. Taylor later commented “I had run the length of the pitch and I’ve spent too many years having my glory taken by that lazy goal hanger. There’s no way I was letting him do it to me on my comeback, that was my ball all the way.” 

The joy was short lived though, as HSBC equalised almost immediately. The visitors impressive midfielder Taylor, not often you see those words together in a sentence in GoM, led the Hearts defence a merry dance – 3 of whom went down like platoon extras falling for the trickery of the youngster. He cut inside from the right hand side before firing a shot almost straight at Dom, but the keeper didn’t want his magicians hands damaging and let the shot fly past him to make the score 1-1.

This seemed to fire Hearts up and immediately they took the game to HSBC and never looked back. Wee Man was being a constant menace with his “probing” runs and sensible forward play. From another of his dangerous runs Hearts won a corner on their right hand side. Paris and Rhino worked a short one, from which the full back again delivered a “penetrating” cross. EUGENE hurled himself at the ball, which flew off his shin pad and into the back of the net. The HSBC defenders looked distraught at having their former manager score against them and who could blame them, Eugene could not normally hit a cow’s arse with a banjo from 2 feet! 

Just before half time, Hearts extended their lead through a very unlikely source. That’s source Vegas not sauce, stop slavering! Johnny Vegas was having a stinker in midfield having put the ball over the boundaries more often than a Pieterson & Flintoff run chase. He saved himself from the half time axe by getting the Hearts third. Cartridge cut in from the right hand side and surprisingly ignored the run Vegas made across him before unleashing a low drive to the keepers left. The stopper got both hands on the shot but could only parry straight back out. VEGAS used every bit of his blistering Merrill like pace to reach the loose ball first and calmly “stroked it” into the bottom corner to score his first goal for the club in almost 20 years. 

Half Time : Sacred Heart 3 HSBC Bank 1 

Swampy muttered the usual dribble at half time, which again none of the players listened to. Vegas and Cartridge sorted out their petty little squabbles from the first half and progressed to discussing if it was OK to fancy Hermione from Harry Potter. The conclusion was a general consensus that it most certainly was and the next team night out will be to Leicester Square to the next Potter Premiere to try and capture the young actress and force her to be the Hearts new mascot. 

The second half began where the first had left off. Hearts were having all the possession and were the only side who looked like scoring. The Playa replaced the Peruvian Love God and was a constant outlet on the right. Wee Man had also gone out to the right with Eugene up front. The two combined to good effect and created several half chances for the Hearts forwards who were wasteful to say the least. 

Swampy’s patience with Eugene finally ran out on the hour mark and the speed freak was replaced by the similarly athletic Merrill. Merrill went out to the right with Wee Man going back up front. Almost immediately this paid dividends when Wee Man found space in the box before unleashing a powerful shot across goal. VEGAS was again (Rubber) Johnny on the spot as the ball hit him while he was chatting to a HSBC defender in the 6 yard box, something he did for most of the 2^nd period,  and flew into the goal. 

As the game ran towards its inevitable conclusion, Hearts continued to dominate possession and get into good positions without really causing too much concern to the scoreboard. Cartridge, under pressure to find the net after an Ethiopian standard barren run of 2 games was trying hard as always but lacking quality and fortune as he tried in vain to break his voodoo of never scoring against HSBC. 

With 5 to go, Swampy who had obviously been watching and learning from Vegas, replaced the struggling big man in an attempt to add to his and Hearts goal tally. With the only real attack during the late period, he made a strong run into the box only to be ignored by a certain player we wouldn’t like to mention (LIAM!) when in a great position. 

After the game GoM caught up with N64, who had an excellent game marshalling the Hearts backline. When asked what he thought about the performance today, N64 replied:

‘Liam doesn’t know what he’s on about, I don’t owe the club any money. He can stick his spreadsheets up his arse, he makes it all up. I can’t wait for boxing training on Thursday, I’m going to have him……………… Oi come back, I’ve not finished with you!’ 

Sacred Heart Team : Whitby, Belk (Thompson), Hilton, Slocombe, Ntiedu, Brooksbank (Merrill), Stacey (Linnell), Oliver, Taylor, Cartridge, Aspinall. All Subs used and Abused.