Following on from Sundays terrific win over Promotion hunters – Ridgeway, the Hearts were in “action” again midweek with a trip to Southey Social. On paper this looked like a 3 pointer for the away team but in the end the Hearts were happy to settle for a share of the spoils.

There were the usual array of multiple changes to the team due to differing circumstances. Wes didn’t want to play as it was raining, Dearnsy had already made his full quota of appearances for the month and so didn’t feel the need to turn up. Connolly and Manager Linnell picked up injuries joining Slocombe in the treatment room. Paris Hilton, Mark Oliver and Sean White made their first appearances of the season, the latter two returning from a ‘stag do’ that Oliver Reed would have been proud of. 

Before the match kicked off, Woofer was so excited by the wet conditions and anticipating a 90 minute shower frenzy, walked onto the pitch with his shower gel and towel, only to be told he must remove the items from the field of play by the nit-picking referee. 

Once the game started it appeared both teams opted to play without a defence as the goals went flying in – a bright start by the home team added to some “defending” by the Hearts resulted in an opener for the Social striker who neatly thumped the ball into the far corner. This woke several of the Hearts players up (literally) as they promptly replied with 2 quick goals from a Sean “mines a medium” WHITE header and an own goal by the goalkeeper which CARTRIDGE will claim for getting the final Hearts touch on the ball – this was to be the ‘Hide n seek’ expert Cartridge’s only touch of the ball in the first half. 

Disaster struck three times for the Hearts before the interval, firstly with an injury to Robbie Aspinall, the kind of guy who would put his dick in a pickle slicer for a goal, went in for a 50-50 with the entire Southey defence and came off worst, he was to be replaced by the energetic Hakon Andresson who had only just finished his Jane Fonda workout on the sideline. News has emerged in recent weeks that Andresson may be moving back to his homeland of Holland to play out the twighlight years of his illustrious career, rumours are bound that he has turned down a new contract offered by the Hearts, which even included a years supply of crazy tablets, an array of loose women at his disposal and a new set of head bands. 

The other two moments of disaster (sorry I got side-tracked) was in the form of two more goals for the Home team pushing them into a lead at the interval. 

Half Time : Southey Social 3 Sacred Heart 2 

The second half saw both teams employ new tactics in the form of playing with a defence. This negative move by the teams resulted in much tighter affair, Stacey switching to centre half as Belk went off with an injury only to be replaced with another Injury expert, Taylor. 

The Hearts battled back into the game with a fine equaliser from WHITE after some good work from Cartridge, having his second touch of the ball near the byline to set the midfielder up for his second of the game with a clean low strike.

Another injury for a Hearts man, this time Nintendo pulling up with hamstring problems and with no more subs being allowed, after Merrill “replaced” Oliver 30 seconds earlier, this meant a swap for N64 to a striker role whilst Brooksbank dropped back to play with his (w)/banking buddy Stacey at the back. 

In the final minute there were two more goals for the massive crowd of 6 people to enjoy, the Southey striker thought he had won the points for his team when he despatched the ball into an empty net at the far post, in fact he was so convinced he had won the game he removed most of his clothes in celebration. With 10 seconds remaining Taylor floated a cross in from the left for CARTRIDGE to produce a scissors kick (his third touch of the match) which deflected into the unguarded net as the keeper was tying his centre forwards shoe laces up at the time. 

Full Time : Southey Social 4 Sacred Heart 4 

Sacred Heart : Whitby, Wooffinden, Hilton, Belk (Taylor), Ntiedu, Brooksbank, Stacey, Oliver (Merrill), White, Cartridge, Aspinall (Andresson), Sub not used and Abused (by himself) Linnell