After successive defeats against Springwood and Thursday night’s massacre against todays opponents, Sacred Heart could not have faced a much stiffer test than a trip to 2^nd placed Chapeltown, one of the divisions form sides and League Cup finalists. Chap, on the other hand would have been relishing the prospect of adding to their goal difference, against a side they hammered 5-0 only 3 days previous. 

Manager Swampy, renowned for his strict disciplinarian approach, set the example all youngsters should look up to, by turning up at the ground 10 minutes before kick off. If that wasn’t bad enough, he had the kit! The only thing worse than this was his reason for being so late. Chapeltown, on the northern edge of Sheffield, play on Green Lane. The nomadic gypsy was searching for a campsite on White Lane in Gleadless on the Southern side of the city!!! 

The Hearts dressing room was buoyed by the team news: Whitby was out injured and will miss the rest of the season having broke a finger catching an Alex Merrill cross during last weeks warm up. Big Nev, shoddy in recent performances as a defender, returned to his rightful home in goal. Bum came in to partner shot-shy Cartridge up front and Yosemite Sam added some much needed height to the minute backline. 

One tactical switch by the ever thinking Swampy was to play Connolly in his natural position on the right with the Peruvian Love God unable to kick with his right foot playing on the left of midfield. GoM have had reports that this decision was made by the players, bemused by the managers lack of intelligence, but we are unable to confirm this just yet. Woofer dropped to the bench, with Swampy preferring himself at full back, and was joined by Benito Carbone, the Pensioner Jim Alcock and the returning N64 back to play FIFA 2005. 

The game kicked off with Hearts making a bright start getting stuck into challenges and moving the ball quickly over the wonderful playing surface, obviously desperate to make amends for Thursday nights debacle. A shining example was Captain Pornstar, miserable after fluffing his spot kick and being repeatedly abused from behind by Chap’s butch centre half. He set the tone by flying into one tackle against the big defender leaving him crying on the floor, “It’s every time with him ref!” from a Chap defender which was surely quote of the day. 

Hearts suffered a major setback when the influential Rhino fell off the rings. He landed awkwardly and was in obvious pain. The midfield general had to leave the pitch and was replaced by Woofer in the centre. This didn’t knock our heroes out of their stride, indeed Woofer was instrumental in much of the possession football being played by the visitors. 

Despite Hearts dominance, Chap looked the more threatening especially from set pieces and on the break. From one corner a Chap defender looped a header towards the top corner only to see Big Nev use his quick feet and agility to claw the ball behind for another corner. Moments later, a quick raid down the Chap right saw a centre towards a midfield runner. The Chap player headed powerfully but straight at Big Nev who somehow tipped the ball over the bar when trying to catch at chest height. 

Hearts finally got the breakthrough their flowing football deserved. A through ball from Woofer saw Cartridge chasing the ball. As the Chap keeper came out to claim it, he fumbled and collided with the striker. The ball squirmed free to the unmarked Bum to poke into the empty net from the edge of the box. 

As the half drew to a close, Hearts had to withstand plenty of Chap pressure. The defending of Yosemite and Space Hopper was so inspirational, even Paris made a tackle at one point. Chap failed to create any chances in the final 10 minutes of the half, which was just as well given Big Nev’s handling up to this point. 

Half Time: Chapletown WMC 0 Sacred Heart 1 

Hearts suffered yet another injury blow as Yosemite Sam had to withdraw after spraining an ankle. Swampy went with the obvious ploy of playing himself at centre half with the returning N64 slotting in at full back. Chap, seeing this change put on 2 massive centre forwards in an effort to bombard the dwarves in the Hearts defence. However, this tactic was soon exposed as Swampy, all 5 foot 4 of him, twice out jumped a Chap striker with at least a foot on him. 

Any thoughts that N64 had lost his appetite for the game were soon expelled. As Hearts broke quickly from a corner, the flying full back carried the ball from the edge of his own box into the hosts half. N64’s touch appeared to have deserted him when he knocked the ball on heavily allowing a Chap midfielder to challenge for the ball. He had not realised the pace of the full back who easily reached the ball first, so decided on launching him into orbit! As N64 landed, he reacted angrily towards his attacker with whom he clashed heads and threatened vociferously. The referee calmed things down by booking both players who were lucky not to have seen red. 

With the finer football being played by the Hearts, it was only a matter of time before they started creating chances against a Chap side desperately pushing for the equaliser. The butch defender who had intimidated Cartridge on Thursday used this as an excuse to escape the Hearts hatchet man and went forward as a fourth giant striker. The problem for Chap was that their play was more predictable than a Paris stepover. 

The chance did arrive for Hearts and it fell to the one man they would have hoped it didn’t. Cartridge in the middle of a famine fit for a fat keeper beat the entire Chap defence on his own – which at this stage of the game was one man. As he raced towards the goal with only the keeper to beat, he rushed his effort and slammed it straight against the keeper. 

As Chap continued to pile all bodies forward, Hearts continued to be strong, defending well from midfield and defence. Bum was too knackered to chase the defenders back and Cartridge just plain lazy. But as Chap pressed, Hearts forced what was surely the winner. Paris produced some trademark trickery before delivering an inch perfect centre which Captain Cartridge converted in some style with a first time volley. It was no more than our valiant heroes derserved. 

In the final minutes with Chap trying to salvage anything, Hearts created another chance that would really have killed the game off. Again Cartridge ran at the hosts lone defender, a 48 year old, and beat him going through on the keeper. His poor attempt proved that the earlier effort was a fluke and Chap scrambled clear. As the ref blew the final whistle on a famous Hearts victory, they were sportingly congratulated on their fine performance by the hosts. 

After the game GoM caught up with Chap’s ex Hearts star Pete O’Leary who had this to say: 

“The ref was ******* rubbish, they were ******* rubbish, we should have ******* hammered them *******, we were ******* rubbish, the game was ******* crap. I can’t believe they ******* beat us, they’re ******* toss”

No changes there then, eh?