Having comfortably beaten Arbourthorne EA in their previous outing, Sacred Heart entertained bottom club Springwood confident of adding to their points tally and drawing level with Judas Brooksbank’s HSBC with 5 games in hand. 

In recent weeks Hearts have been short of several key players and the trend continued with N64, Dearns, Wes, Crazy Dutch Superstar, Tommo and  Peruvian Love God still unavailable. They were joined on the long termers list by Wee Man who damaged knee ligaments while attempting to jump across a river in a shopping trolley. 

Last weeks 2 goal hero Carl Whitby had to settle for a place in goal at the expense of clean sheet king Matt Cutts who dropped to the bench. Brian Connolly returned on the left wing and Swampy shook of his Weddingitis injury to claim a starting place up front to partner the not so prolific Captain Pornstar. 

Benito Carbone again had to settle for the bench despite being influential in the last 2 games but the days biggest shock was the return from retirement of veteran old timer, Alex Merrill. GoM are not sure who or what keeps tempting the pensioner out of retirement, but strongly wishes it wouldn’t. 

The game began at a frenetic pace with Springwood looking to use their considerable height advantage at every opportunity. A long ball through the channel saw Slocombe race back to block a dangerous early cross and the ball flew out for a corner. The dead ball was whipped in towards the stout Springwood centre half, who left Cartridge standing to head home from 8 yards. Woofer was stood on the near post, but the ball somehow squeezed past him and into the corner. 

Shaken by the early set back, Hearts were rocking and unable to play any of the silky football so often seen from our heroes. Springwood’s determination and effort in closing Hearts down was continually rewarded by the home side giving the ball away. However, the visitors never looked like creating any opportunities from open play. 

Swampy, upset at the lack of supply to the front men, dropped into midfield pushing Carbone forward. The scarecrow-esque manager immediately added some bite to the midfield, chasing a Springwood midfielder before crudely hacking has legs from underneath him. If the surprised onlookers thought Swampy had finally strapped a pair on, they were instantly corrected as the fouled midfielder got up menacingly, Swampy did the 400 metres in 43:42 seconds. 

As the clock ticked down to half time, Springwood appeared content to take a one goal lead into the interval. However, Hearts had other ideas. A Connolly cross from the left hit an away defender flush in the nuts, the ball fell kindly for Rhino who hammered a first time half volley into the top corner from 20 yards with the keeper groping at fresh air. 

Half Time: Sacred Heart 1 Springwood 1 

The interval fell kindly for the visitors as Hearts looked to be taking the upper hand. Also to the visitors advantage was the crap being spouted by Hearts anonymous skipper. “Lads, stop giving corners away” was one particular line at the Hearts back line. If only they’d have thought about that!!! He proceeded to his regular “Stand up and be counted, but by now the team had stopped listening. 

After the vitriol from Cartridge, Hearts opened in determined fashion. However their football was a little one dimensional. The majority of the players had obviously not realised that Connolly had returned from his 2 week absence and continued to ignore his blistering pace. At one point, “Shackleton” Connolly placed a flag on the left wing to claim the unchartered territory as his own. 

Despite being out in the cold for long periods, the flying winger was desperate to get in on the act. After a wonderful through ball from Big Nev, Swampy played Cartridge through on the keeper. The misfiring front man toe ended his shot weakly along the ground and the stopper touched it onto the post. Connolly raced in onto the rebound and fired his shot into the net with 3 men standing on the line. 

Hearts were now playing some of their renowned silky football. Cartridge was put through for 2 more sitters only to squander them as only he can. Big Nev was obviously trying to state his claim to playing further forward as he again picked out Swampy with an immaculate cross field pass, only for the ref to judge that the shaggy haired protester was offside. 

With 15 minutes to go, Hearts were made to pay for their poor finishing when the visitors grabbed an unlikely equaliser. A high ball into the Hearts box found their giant striker. His first touch was perfect putting Big Nev firmly on his backside, with his second touch he fired the ball past a static Whitby and into the bottom corner. 

This brought Springwood firmly back into the game and Hearts had to withstand a barrage of dangerous long throws and continuous pressure. However, the defence stood strong and resisted admirably. During one of the many melees Hearts keeper Whitby who had been in fine form, finally succumbed to the hamstring injury he picked up whilst celebrating last weeks double strike. Matt Cutts came on to replace him and show why he deserves to be the regular number 1. 

Things could not have started worse for the sub keeper. A neat move by Springwood’s midfielders put the left winger in on the goal line. He swept in a dangerous cross that was met by a salmon at the front stick to head powerfully home. With 10 minutes to go, a deflated Hearts had little time to bounce back and Springwood were determined to hang on for only their 3^rd win of the season. 

Hearts created numerous chances in the final 10 minutes, unfortunately 2 of the best ones fell to Cartridge in the centre of goal about 6 yards out. The first effort was blazed laughably high and wide and the second rolled gently into the keepers arms. The normally reliant hit-man, currently in the middle of a severe goal drought, should really have a ban on the use of his hose pipe until things improve. 

One final chance fell to Big Nev from a delightful free kick from Woofer. The ball was floated over the static Springwood back line to the porky centre half, who took the ball on the chest. Unfortunately his first touch went further than most of his clearances and the keeper smothered the loose ball.

As the ref put the capacity crowd out of their misery, Springwood celebrated their famous triumph. After the game, GoM tried to catch up with Cartridge, but he was said to have been on e-bay trying to buy a goal. GoM can confirm unfortunately only Division 2 goals against the one legged blind girls U10’s School were available and Cartridge already has 58 of those so no sale.