After last weekends disappointing result against Timbertop, our heroes were looking for improved fortunes against an Arbourthorne EA side who comfortably beat Hearts 3-1 in the reverse fixture, a game manager Swampy described as “******* ****, that’s the ******* worst bag of ******** I’ve ever seen from you *******” 

Again the Hearts dressing room was short of several key players. Missing from last week were “The Playa” whose toe nail still had a rough edge and the Crazy Dutch Superstar with yet another mysterious injury. Added to the long-term absentees were Dearns – on vacation at The Priory, N64 – who knows anymore? Wes – scared that they had a couple of big lads and “Chucky” France – stoned (not as in a strange Middle Eastern punishment). Brian Connolly was also absent due to his continuing troubles with Palladium regulars, this time he’s had a beef with Keith Harris and Orville. 

The desperation was best summed up by the substitutes bench – Swampy had to name himself amongst them, despite the fact that he’s completely useless! The surprise inclusion on the bench was keeper, Carl Whitby who suffered a freak injury trying to tip a flying dagger over the bar during a knife throwing act, ruling him out of the number 1 shirt, which was taken over by Matt Cutts. 

Returning was Space Hopper King Slocombe at centre half– although his 30 something was keeping a close eye on the proceedings and the inspirational Rhino to partner April fool Sean of the Dean in midfield. Paris returned at left back allowing Belky to return to the right with Woofer pushing forward into midfield and Wee Man returning to his preferred position up front. Jim Alcock kept his place on the left, but Benito Carbone was unlucky to be dropped to the bench after a strong showing last time out. 

The game stared in unfortunate circumstances and was nearly abandoned after a mere 3 minutes. An innocuous collision between Wee Man and an EA midfielder left the Hearts striker in a crumpled heap screaming in agony. Several onlookers thought the youngster had cut his first tooth, however the problem appeared to be his lower leg. 

After a 15 minute delay, a very unfortunate female paramedic arrived to rescue Wee Man from his agony. Whilst offering the patient gas to ease his pain, her unwise choice of words were “Here, suck on this.” Bearing in mind the group of players stood nearby, this raised a few giggles. Obviously revelling in her new found (porn) stardom she added, “Keep sucking it!” Which reduced several grown men to tears. 

Hearts brought on Carbone on the right wing with the Peruvian Love God pushing even further forward up front to play his 3^rd different position only 3 minutes into the game. After the delay, the game restarted with a whimper. Neither side could pass the ball 5 yards and not one player appeared capable of trapping a bag of sand. Both defences were well organised and well on top. 

The first half was fizzling out to a drab and goalless conclusion, when the ref decided to liven up the game. An EA striker went down the left channel closely followed by Slocombe, closely followed by the 30 something, he checked inside to shoot but was well tackled by Slocombe. The striker, who earlier in the week had been practising the high board with Chesney Hawkes, threw his arms in the air, arched his back and screamed as if he’d been shot which convinced the official that he’d been fouled. The ref had no hesitation in pointing to the spot waving away the Hearts laughing protesters. 

Matt Cutts had been largely untroubled during the opening 45 minutes, but this was his big chance to be a hero. The EA left winger stepped up to take the spot kick and blazed it high over the bar. The aged official blew his whistle before the ball had landed, dismayed that his intervention had not brought the opening goal. 

Half Time: Sacred Heart 0 Arbourthorne EA 0 

Swampy was seen chasing the Wee Mans Ambulance to Rotherham General shouting  “ I’m gonna get myself some of that Laughing Gas too!!!”, Captain Pornstar finally did something, delivering the half time team talk. Following in the footsteps of his previous team talks, Cartridge sounded like Delia Smith with his “Where are you?” comments, although most of Cartridge’s comments could not be heard by his team mates as he was drowned out by the screams of the Arbourthorne manager, Ron Hill. 

Hearts came out for the second half clearly fired up by Cartridge’s words and should have taken the lead after 2 minutes. Wooffer fired in a glorious cross from a free kick out on the left that was met by an unmarked Belky 3 yards out, however the Peruvian somehow scooped the ball over the bar when it seemed physically impossible. 

10 minutes after the shocking miss, Hearts caretaker manager Ryan Taylor, acting under the phone call instructions of a now “spaced out” Swampy phoning from the hospital, decided he’d seen enough and axed the South American replacing him with an injured goal keeper – clearly the gas Swampy had been inhaling had begun to play with his decision making! Whitby made a bright start, losing the ball with his first touch and falling over it with his second. 

Hearts had a massive scare with about 25 minutes to go. An inswinging corner from the visitors right was missed by their striker on the front post, Big Nev who appeared to be suffering from the Carbon Monoxide poisoning suffered after the Timbertop game, start doing keep ups in the six yard box before playing the way he was facing and firing an effort towards the top corner. However, Paris came to the rescue of the jumbo defender heading his shot off the line. 

Unperturbed by the scare, Hearts went all out on the offensive in attempt to take all 3 points. Whitby was put clean through by a fantastic ball by Rhino but scuffed his shot harmlessly wide. He was not put off though and continued to run at the visitors backline. This persistence paid off when he was again put through, despite being about 5 yards offside, Whitby continued towards the goal and slipped his effort inside the post like an accomplished striker – something the Hearts have been missing for years! 

After going a goal up, Hearts had to withstand a 10 minute spell of sustained EA pressure. The visitors had plenty of possession and numerous corners but failed to create any real chances, largely down to some outstanding defending by the home back line and commanding keeping from Cutts.

Having weathered the storm, Hearts put the game to bed. A flowing move down the right ended with a cross towards the back post. Jim Alcock sliced his effort across goal to the Hearts new found goal poacher who duly obliged in dispatching his second of the game. Thoughts surfaced that Cartridge was going to throw a petulant tantrum at being outscored, however the skipper was the first to congratulate the teams new hero.

EA had given up the game at this point and Hearts could have put a more flattering outlook on the scoreline. Firstly, Cartridge showed why he is no longer the clubs prime marksman by playing a bizarre one-two with Wooffer. The full back swung in another great ball from a corner, with the goal at his mercy from only 4 yards, the striker headed the ball back out to Wooffer on the corner flag.

Moments later, Carbone was through on the right hand edge of the box. He looked up to see Cartridge unmarked on the penalty spot, but having seen his previous miss, took the sensible option and shot from a tight angle forcing a good save from the visitors giant keeper. The referee rightly stopped the contest fearing for EA’s goal difference and the home side celebrated a well earned victory. 

After the match, Cartridge seemed over keen to “look after” the wee mans possesions that he had left in the dressing room, indeed it took 13 men to relieve the spirited Cartridge of the wee mans mobile phone. 

After the game GoM caught up with Sean of the Dead who had this to say:

“I think we won the game by dominating the midfield battle. Oh and mine’s a medium with the intials SMW”