Having earned a good point last time out against a strong Ridgeway outfit, our heroes went into this morning’s match against Timbertop full of expectation. However, several of our stars were like Rambo and were missing in action and Hearts had to make 2 emergency signings just to turn a side out.

On the left hand side of midfield, Hearts drafted in Jim Alcock (currently Wes Johnson’s favourite player as he is so fond of Alcock’s). Jim retired from competitive football almost 30 years ago and it is believed Hearts signed him purely on the basis of his surname. He must surely be the oldest player ever to have played in the Meadowhall Sunday League at 103 years old. Matt Cutts also signed on the morning of the game, returning to the Hearts after a spell playing for little known Hunters Bar who play in the “Two Left Feet” Combined Harvesters League. 

Missing from last weeks starting XI were Paris Hilton – who hadn’t stopped his surging run from last week and was last seen jogging near Barcelona with a huge group behind him, Rhino – who got trapped inside an Atlasphere, and Brian Connolly – who was injured after a clash with Bob Carolges and Spit the Dog during his last Palladium appearance. Also missing from the squad was the Veteran 38 year old Merrill who has been forced to retire through injury, the surgeon treating him just couldn’t remove all the splinters from his arse! Former Serie A legend Benito Carbone’s twin brother, Sebastian Consentino came in for his first start of the season adding some height and hair to the forward line, with Wee Man dropping back to right midfield and the Crazy Dutch Superstar (not including head gear) partnered Sean of the Dead in the midfield. 

Still missing were all 3 centre halves; Dearnsy who was injured falling off a wagon, Slocombe was AWOL with his 30 something in Eastern Europe, although reports he had struggled with the concept of putting his clock forward I hour – now better known as “doing a Joe” are greatly exaggerated and N64 who was finishing his suspension. Hearts are hoping to have N64 back for next weeks visit of Arbourthorne EA, but may have to wait further after the defender got injured during a disagreement with Donkey Kong, not to be confused with Hearts very own Captain, Konkey Dong. 

The game started on a pitch that was more akin to an American football field with lines every 5 yards running across it. Psychic Cartridge somehow knew of this 3 days earlier sporting his ‘Dan Marino’ shirt on Thursday evening. The markings left on the pitch also in some places bore more than a passing resemblance to corn circles. Maybe the site had previously been visited by another life form – perhaps while they were dropping off the Timbertop left back, ‘The Predator’. Both sides found the going difficult on the bizarre surface and struggled to get into any real rhythm. The hosts tried their luck with balls being played down the channels, but “The Playa” and Big Nev were marshalling the back line admirably. 

Going forward, Wee Man looked distracted playing out on the wing. Primarily by himself, his Tourettes Syndrome appeared to be getting the better of him! Down the left Alcock looked knackered after a vigorous warm up – it was fully 40 yards from the changing room to the pitch, however he was still causing Hearts reject Simpson all sorts of bother and went past the horizontally challenged midfielder as if he wasn’t there.

Hearts got the first breakthrough in strange circumstances. Consentino, who was investigating the corn circles, was stood fully 40 yards off side when he was put clean through by a great piece of skill by a home midfielder. The striker raced after the loose ball and just beat the keeper to it, but he was felled as he ran away from goal. The referee had no hesitation in awarding a penalty – which Captain Pornstar inevitably tucked away.

The home side were clearly aggrieved at the decision, feeling the longhaired latin star was clearly offside. However, if any of the philistines could read, they would know that a player cannot be offside when a defender plays the ball! 

Hearts doubled their advantage only minutes later. Wee Man, who had earlier been booked for releasing his frustration on The Predator, played the ball in to Cartridge who was unfairly breathed on from behind. The ref awarded a free kick just to the right of goal. Cartridge hit the target for the first time this season and the ball slipped through the keeper’s hands and into the net. 

Hearts defended resolutely through to the interval, restricting the visitors to long-range efforts which Whitby was saving in his sleep. The defending was so committed, that at one point Big Nev cleared the ball under pressure from a striker and clattered into Swampy who was off the pitch. The pair looked far too comfortable rolling around in the mud together and Big Nev walked away with a huge smile on his face and a ‘semi’ to boot. GoM has continually wondered how the big boned player permanently gets a starting berth – we know now! 

Half Time: Timbertop 0 Sacred Heart 2 

Straight from the kick off, Timbertop flew out of the traps and should have scored within seconds. A flowing move down their right resulted in a cross towards the back stick. Woofer dreaming of a night in with Wes was nowhere to be seen and the host’s diminutive winger had a free header from 3 yards, which he somehow managed to put wide. 

The home side did get a goal back soon after though. A long throw in from the left managed to evade everyone in the crowded six-yard box. The ball bounced through to the far post where a lurking Timbertop midfielder smashed the ball into the roof of the net. 

The pressure continued on the Hearts backline, with The Playa struggling with an unmanicured toenail and Belky’s suspect hamstring playing a nice little tune, the hosts looked like scoring on every attack. Indeed, the equaliser came again from a raid down the Hearts left and a cross to the back post. Timbertop were well on top now and it seemed they would go on to win.  

Hearts continued to attempt to play their way out of trouble, but with little effect. On the one occasion they had any success, it was crudely halted by the wildest of lunges. Wee Man again made fun of The Predator with a neat turn, only to be sent into orbit by the full back. Having already been booked, the outcome would surely be a red card for the evil defender. However, the referee inexplicably decided that the challenge was not malicious and allowed him to continue. Meanwhile, the Hearts sent out a search party to find Wee Man’s leg. 

After several minutes treatment from the Crazy Dutchman, Wee Man returned to the field and he responded to the ridiculous challenge in the best way possible. He slaughtered The Predator yet again and half the home team on an 80-yard mazy run up the field before laying the ball through to Cartridge. The clinical striker flummoxed the keeper with a dreadful miss kick and the ball trickled slowly over the line. 

From the restart, the game turned into Whitby’s Last Stand. The impressive stopper made save after save after save, most notably from a rocket from twelve yards heading for the roof of the net that he somehow managed to tip over. However, the one man resistance could not last forever. Again a cross from the hosts right to the far post was converted – this time by The Predator who must have gone into camouflage mode as he came from nowhere. 

With The Playa having to leave the battle field, Belky dropped into centre half. Unfortunately he had to let the ineffective Simpson out of his pocket as he made the switch. This was to prove very costly as the Hearts old boy had the last laugh on his former team mates. After yet another attack, the ball dropped to his feet on the 18 yard line. His first time effort appeared to be scuffed, but it still had enough pace to beat the keeper in his bottom right hand corner. 

With time running out, Hearts threw caution to the wind. However, they lacked the quality in delivery to create any further chances and the home side closed the game out for a memorable 4-3 victory. Swampy appeared happy with his team’s efforts, although his players looked disconsolate as they trudged from the pitch. GoM attempted to get an interview with Big Nev – but the oversized defender was tying a hose to the exhaust of his car and running it through his window.

Full Time: Timbertop 4 Sacred Heart 3

GoM caught up with Big Nev however once the dust had settled and he had this to say. In fact GoM couldn’t get a word in edgeways!! 

“Never has losing a game of football ever upset me like yesterday. I’m still utterly fooked off by the nature of the defeat. Sorry for going into rant mode, but I need to get this off my chest! How the hell can the ref allow that tackle on Wee Man after sensibly booking other players for far more innocuous challenges and stupidly booking Wee Man himself for next to nothing! Then the ar5ehole that does the challenge – which was hardly out of character – goes and gets the equaliser when we should be playing against 10 men and cruising to victory.

Equally as annoying were Buzzer’s comments as Wee Man laid prone. What a tw4t! His own (immensely potential) career was ended by a daft challenge and he’s telling him he’s a baby – there’s nothing wrong with him and he should stick to playing with kids. I know he’s hardly he most intelligent fellow we’ll ever come across, but you’d like to think that even that idiot would appreciate that that kind of challenge is inexcusable. 

And finally, I get onto Vernon. This may well appear to be sour grapes that he’s got the winner – but he was pish poor for 89:59 minutes of the game. He didn’t hit his shot cleanly for the goal either! If we’d have been thinking straight last season, we should have had him suspended. Nothing to do with my dislike for him – but at this level of football its rocket science to fund a club, get a half decent pitch with half decent facilities and have reasonable kits to play in. Amazingly we’ve managed to do that in recent years and without one of our most regular players contributing a penny. In fact, not only that – but he was actually costing us money with his fines for bickering at refs. 

I’m going to leave this on a positive note, or I think I might actually turn the engine on next time I tie a hose to my exhaust and feed it through the window! Just thinking back to the last point – we’ve done a fantastic job in taking this club forward such a long way in a relatively short period of time. Go back a mere 6 years and we were playing in the bottom division of the Hallamshire League. We were playing on Parson Cross college, where a car got broken into every other week and were playing in a second hand Orange kit that rubbed your nipples like your first ever junior school kit. Add to that, Rowlo had to ref 5 or 6 games a season and we had to endure away days like where Captain Cartridge made his debut at Ball Inn United amongst burned out cars and days like yesterday don’t seem that bad. At the risk of sounding both extremely up myself and gayer than Wes Johnson, I think we can be very proud of the job we’ve done in the last few years. 

Anyway, enough of my heartfelt ramblings – I’ll be letting you read my diary next.”

Here, here Stace, we couldn’t agree more.