After the encouraging first hour against Crosspool last week, our heroes went into this weekend’s fixture with high flying Ridgeway full of confidence. However, things weren’t looking too good in the dressing room before kick off. Many of the players had been out to celebrate the Crazy Dutch Superstar’s birthday – an event the wacky weed fuelled cycle enthusiast failed to turn up for!!! Rumours of him being last seen having a smoke and a pancake are as yet unconfirmed.

Manager Swampy stated his intentions when naming the side “We’re unchanged from last week” he said, before making 3 changes to the previous outing! Big Nev came in at centre half with “The Playa” Tommo, replacing space hopper mogul Slocombe who was unavailable as his 30 something wouldn’t let him play with the big boys toys and Dearns who has fallen off the wagon and unfortunately has had to go back into rehab. N64 remained absent through suspension after slapping Princess Peach for dropping his coins. He was even more gutted as he had 99. 

The Crazy Dutch Superstar was missing due to yet another injury, this time to a hamstring. He was replaced on the right by Wooffer with Belky dropping back to right back. The sole substitute was Merrill, who claims to have come out of retirement. GoM can neither confirm or deny this rumour at this time. 

Hearts started nervously as the visitors took the early initiative. Ridgeway fired numerous punts up towards the Octopus up front and fed off the second balls. The Hearts back line dropped deeper and deeper, at one stage they were playing behind the fencing behind the bottom goal. 

Hearts continued to put themselves under pressure by failing to remember the new FIFA initiative that makes football less of a contact sport than netball. On several occasions, the Athletic strikers fell over with a Hearts player within a 5 yard radius and won free kicks in dangerous positions. With the Hearts taking St Patrick’s Day through to Sunday and fielding a back four of leprechauns and Ridgeway fielding at least 3 players who had made it down the beanstalk – several chances fell to the visitors from set pieces. 

The game remained goalless thanks to 2 fine saves from Hearts custodian Carl Whitby. One particular save in the bottom left hand corner from a point blank header, was breathtaking, so much so that Big Nev was struggling to breathe. He later stated that lack of fitness had nothing to do with it. The form of the new stopper will leave Swampy with a gigantic headache when Andy Bailey returns from the injury he sustained with the comical air kick at Packhorse in December. 

Hearts did have one chance in the first half as Woofer raped the Ridgeway left back (and then asked him to do the same in return in the shower later), and sent a superb ball in behind the defence for Cartridge to chase. The keeper got there first but the ball spilled to the Hearts Captain who steadied himself and fired towards the empty net. Luckily for the visitors 2 defenders had made it back onto the line and Cartridge typically managed to hit one of them on the arse rather than the onion bag. 

As the first half drew towards its conclusion, Hearts rode their luck again when the visitors hit the bar from yet another set piece. Captain Pornstar and Big Nev threw a 60 yard tantrum at each other, with the Ref calming things by telling the portly defender to remember where he was. Judging by his first half performance, the ref should have given him a map! 

Half Time: Sacred Heart 0 Ridgeway Athletic 0

Hearts came out for the second half with Swampy’s half time ear bashing still ringing in their ears. The rollicking could have been described as “The Hairdryer”, but as the scruffy gaffer hasn’t washed his hair for nigh on 3 years, it’s highly unlikely he possesses one.

The hosts took control straight from the kick off with Rhino and Sean of the Dead dictating the midfield. Hearts got wideboys Wooffer and Brian Connolly into the game with fullbacks Paris and the Peruvian Love God offering great support. However, for all their good play, Hearts failed to create any clear opportunities. 

On the contrary, Ridgeway looked dangerous every time they launched the ball into orbit. One bombardment saw the visitors batter their way through several challenges only to fire over the bar from 6 yards with only Whitby to beat. They also remained a constant menace from the numerous free kicks they continued to win, but failed to find the break through. 

In the space of 5 minutes, the sell out attendance saw the two sides of Wee Man. First, the diminutive striker showed his explosive pace by racing onto one of many Cartridge flick on’s only to be denied by a good save from the visitors keeper. Moments later, Frodo’s little brother was blown up for being offside. Aggrieved at the official’s decision, Wee Man continued round the keeper only to scuff his shot embarrassingly wide. The man in black was unhappy at Wee Man’s dissent and promptly brandished the yellow card – the first to any Hearts player in over 18 months (tarts!!!). 

With several Hearts players looking tired and the visitors throwing on 3 pairs of fresh legs, Swampy looked to bring on his substitutes. However, despite 3 players carrying career threatening injuries and two players passing out through sheer exhaustion / hangovers – the prospect of bringing on Merrill persuaded the gaffer to keep things as they were. 

Judging by the impact the visitors sub left winger made, Swampy was right not to make a change. The youngster continually fired the ball onto the hockey pitch every time he touched the ball. He also chased a ball 40 yards that was going out for a Ridgeway throw in and managed to get a touch with no Hearts player within 50 yards to gift the hosts a throw in. 

As the game looked to be heading towards a goal less end, Ridgeway appeared to grab all 3 points in the 88^th minute, with a goal inevitably from a set piece. The ball was flighted towards the back stick and Big Nev inexplicably rolled the ball back across goal. 3 strikers converged on the loose ball but somehow contrived to launch the ball onto the crossbar from 3 centimetres. Hearts failed to clear the second loose ball and it was bundled over the line to give the visitors the lead. 

As a dejected Hearts team trudged back to take the kick off, Paris was stretched out like a sprinter on the start line. As Cartridge laid the ball back to the influential Rhino, Paris set off like Forrest Gump in a straight line towards the visitors keeper. The ball went out to the left hand side to Connolly who whipped in a dangerous cross. Paris’s crazy off the ball run confused the Ridgeway defence who left the prowling Cartridge unmarked at the far post. Despite not touching the ball for almost 90 minutes, the striker managed to force the ball over the line doing what he does best and diving head first into the box to salvage a point. 

The final frenetic minutes saw both sides go all out for the elusive winner, however neither side could produce the final ball and the game ended all square. After the match GoM requested an interview with Paris, however he was last seen running past Meadowhall shouting “Yeah Dan, Dan, Dan, yeah Dan, on me head!” evidently unaware that Cartridge had equalised 10 minutes earlier.

Full Time: Sacred Heart 1 Rideway Athletic 1