Hearts finally got their rearranged Tinsley Trophy 2^nd round match played at the Transport Ground, Meadowhead against Premier division strugglers Crosspool. It was obvious why this fixture had suffered several postponements over recent weeks once the pitch was inspected. A Ploughed field would be a compliment to a pitch that is known for its ability to drink water like a camel who’s been on detox with Dearnsy. Hearts had basically the same side that beat Southey Social the previous week, except Swampy had still not recovered from his broken Alice Band so Paris returned to left back (despite aggravating his wrist again from too much self abuse). Dan “The Shower Man” Wooffinden also replaced the Peruvian Love God at right back mainly due to the excellent facilities up at the Transport Ground. Mark “The Playa” Thompson made a welcome return to centre midfield after several weeks out with a broken member.

Hearts started the game playing down the slight slope and with the wind at their backs and were looking to show they could match their higher division hosts. The pitch was having a major effect on the game with very little football being played due to the uneven surface. So much so that the highlight of the first 20 minutes was when a Crosspool midfielder tried to play a quick one two with a team mate without banking on the ref being a little too up with the play. He was left flat on his back after colliding head on with the overweight official much to the amusement of everyone else on the pitch.

Tommo was relishing his comeback and was getting stuck in, like he was at an orgy (again), at every opportunity. One such challenge resulted in the balding midfielder winning the ball and playing a defence splitting pass to set Cartridge clean through. Captain Pornstar went round the keeper and appeared to be brought down in the box, which he seemed to thoroughly enjoy, going down in the box. Unlike before, the ref was well behind play and waved play on as the ball fell to Little Rob for a tap in to the empty net. Unfortunately, Robbie fired a blank (not uncommon for the poor Wee Man) into the side netting with the goal at his mercy. 

The best other chances of the half were from set pieces with Crosspool looking dangerous every time they got near the Hearts box due to the height advantage they had all over the pitch. So much so that Hearts had resorted at corners to bringing Wee Man back so he could sit on other peoples shoulders to challenge amongst the Land of the Giants. It was ironic then when Hearts took a deserved lead from a beautifully flighted Woofer corner whipped across the 6 yard box. Captain Cartridge “beat off” his marker to rise majestically at the back post and hammer home an unstoppable header from close range. 

The hosts best effort on goal in the first 45 was when Broomhead stung the palms of Carl Whitby with a well hit free kick that the Hearts stopper did well to turn out for a corner. Luckily Carl’s palms were still warm after a pre match rub down allegedly involving Woofer’s shower gel. GOM cannot confirm if any third party took part in the palm warming session. 

Half time: Crosspool 0 Sacred Heart 1 

Hearts knew the second half would be much tougher going up the slope, into the wind and against a side who had perhaps underestimated their lower league visitors in the first period. Nevertheless, the first chance of the second half fell to the normally deadly Hearts Captain. Great one touch play between Woofer and Shaun of the dead resulted in the Zombie Boy playing a “killer” ball to put Cartridge one on one. Out came the keeper but for once Cartridge missed the target and shot his load wide. 

That miss proved to be costly as Crosspool equalised minutes later from a corner headed in at the near post. Hearts were looking jaded and under pressure and it seemed only a matter of time before Crosspool went in front. The inevitable happened with 20 minutes to go. A goal mouth scramble fell to the Crosspool sub 6 yards out and he made no mistake. Hearts pushed forward for an equaliser and should have had another penalty when the Crosspool keeper dallied over a back pass, Cartridge robbed him and was upended in the box once more. Once more the ref waved play on. 

Manager Linnell exchanged Hakon for Belky and Dearnsy for Merrill with Tommo reverting to centre back due to injuries picked up on the heavy pitch. As Hearts pressed for an equaliser, they were always at risk of being caught on the break and so it proved as Crosspool got a third and fourth that gave a scoreline that flattered the hosts somewhat. Hearts had shown they can match Premier Division opposition for long periods but need to keep that level of play for the full 90 and more consistently if they are to move up the Division 1 table. 

Full Time: Crosspool 4 Sacred Heart 1 

GOM also managed to catch up with crocked centre back Ben Dearns for the exclusive second part of his interview. 

GoM: So Ben, how did you find it against Premier Division strikers?

BD: My name is Ben Dearns and I am an alcoholic

GoM: You were 1-0 up at half time, did you think you’d hang on and be in the hat for the next round?

BD: My name is Ben Dearns and I am an alcoholic.

GoM: Do you think the injury is a bad one or will you be back soon?

BD: My name is Ben Dearns and I am an alcoholic.

GoM: F*ck this! Get me another beer !!!