Sunday 22nd August 2004, played at Warminster Road 11am, Friendly
Match Report by Hearts roving reporter Edgar Micatell.
SHFC lost out 4-2 in a competitive friendly with Punchbowl Crookes played in blistering heat at Warminster
Road (right behind Lorna's back door, but a certain Hearts player missing from the line up wouldn't know anything
about that now would he). The Hearts boys played some good football but at times were out passed and out classed by
their higher division opponents. Hearts will however point to 2 controversial off side decisions that were not given by the
referee, known only as the "Black Pebble", that led to 2 of Punchbowls 4 goals.
The game started with Hearts really unable to cope with the slick passing game of the hosts. Punchbowl
were passing the ball around for fun with most of the Hearts boys chasing shadows for the first 15-20 mins. In fact, it looked
a lot like most of the Hearts midfield were still in RSVP on Mel France's birthday outing. That fact that that was 8 days
prior to the game says it all. After a period of sustained pressure, Punchbowl took the lead when their best player, if not
the best player on the pitch, Ernie chipped Hearts 6 foot keeper from the edge of the box with a delightful piece of skill.
Home Movies
This brought Hearts back to life and Paris Hilton, fresh from making more home movies, began useful
forays down the left wing that brought an equaliser. Alas for Paris, he fell over in the box when poised to score and the
ball fell invitingly to Hearts star stiker, Liam Cartledge to "hammer home" with the keeper well beaten. More good football
from the Hearts saw Linnell feed Cartledge who tried an audacious lob from just inside the Punchbowl half only to see it drop
just over.
Half time 1-1.
Banging
The second half saw Punchbowl kicking up the slope towards the houses. They again dominated the early
exchanges but wayward shooting saw Andy Bailey in the Hearts goal never really tested. More often than not, balls ended up
banging against Lorna's rear entrance, a regular occurrence apparently. Punchbowl did however retake the lead when the ball
fell to that man Ernie who made no mistake from 10 yards out.
Hearts made several substitutions, player/manager Linnell brought on Merrill in centre midfield to slow
down the pace, and Wylie to add some aggro usually for no real reason. Also without the "Black Pebble" at the back Hearts
were trying a new centre back partnership of Dearns and Sam, the latter looking tired as the 2nd half wore on due to a lack
of fitness whereas the former looked tired due to turning up still in last nights clothes after entertaining a young lady
for the best part of the previous night.
Sore Little Soldier
Thompson was asked to drop in at centre back and Sam had to soldier on as Dearns left the field to deal
with his own sore little soldier. Hearts then got a break through as Linnell performed what was described by one fan
as "Greg Louganis would have been proud of that one". Amazingly, after giving no free kicks all game due to his belief
that all his tackles are fair ones therefore any foul must be a fair challenge, the ref pointed to the spot. After wrestling
the ball from Paris, Cartledge duly despatched the penalty to bring the Hearts level.
As the game approached the final stages Hearts began to tire as the hosts had the luxury of making 6
or 7 changes. Punchbowl twice hit hearts on the break with one on one situations and twice made no mistake in hitting the
back of the net. Claims of offside for both goals were waved away by the man in black despite being at least 50 yards
behind the play at the time. When questioned afterwards the Nintendo 64 replied "I don't know why you guys give
the refs so much abuse, it's a piece of piss" An irony not lost on the Hearts boys, as N64 vowed to continue his personal
ref abuse campaign into the new season. "They get paid don't they" was his best justification.
Afterwards manager Linnell was upbeat, "The boys did well against a higher standard of opposition and
it bodes well for the new season. We were missing several players, although given the close proximity to Lorna's house maybe
it's a good job one of them wasn't here." He also was disappointed some players didn't stay at the Stag afterwards for
too long. "Some of my players, and they know who they are, are far too concerned with sponsorship this and endorsement that,
they need to concentrate on the football"
Full Time 2-4.
Teams
Hearts : Bailey, Johnson, Slocombe, Oliver (Merrill), Dearns (Wylie), Yosemite, Woofinden, Thompson, Linnell, Cartledge
(Capt), Hilton. Unused Subs - All used
Punchbowl : Unknown except for Ernie, Kotylo, Weaver, Stacey
M, and about 16 others
Hearts travel to High Noon for a Western style Clint Eastwood shoot out in the Meadowhall League Cup
1st Round next Sunday 29th August at Davy McKee. Disappointingly kick off is 11am.
