Paris Hilton was ruled out of a starting berth due to a highly questionable wrist injury (possibly picked up while on manoeuvres with Wes), so Swampy took over at left back. If Big Nev could fill the hole left by Swampy in midfield as well as he fills his shirt – Hearts would have no problem winning the midfield battle. Joining Paris on the bench was Alex Merrill who returned from retirement. 

The game started at a slow pace with neither side looking comfortable playing football on the wildlife sanctuary, loosely described as a pitch. However, Southey took the early initiative by bombarding the Hearts backline with hopeful punts that that were holding up in the swamps for their strikers to run on to. 

Southey were looking very dangerous at this stage, creating chances almost at will. Only the shocking standard of their strikers finishing kept the Hearts in the game. Southey did get their deserved rewards after 20 minutes. Swampy, who should have been at home on this “pitch” but looked unhappy that his boots were getting muddy, was having a tough time at left back. The Southey winger beat him for the tenth time and fired in a cross that should have been easy pickings for Whitby in the Hearts goal. However, Dearnsy still appeared to be suffering from the shakes and the ball deflected off him and in to the net. At this point, Swampy subbed himself – X-rays later revealed that he had a fractured Alice band. 

This setback was the catalyst for Hearts to pick up their game. A great move down the right saw the Crazy Dutch Superstar find Wee Man who’s early centre was met by the unmarked Captain Pornstar 6 yards out. His first time effort struck the keeper’s outstretched leg and went wide. From the resulting corner, Hearts were unlucky not to be level. The centre dropped to Big Nev on the penalty spot running across the goal, he turned like the QE2 in slow motion and sliced his shot towards the top corner only for his effort to bounce off the upright, behind the keeper and fall back at the feet of Cartridge. The Hearts Captain appeared to be impeded as his shot flew over the bar but as the ref was only 1 yard away, he missed it. 

With 15 minutes remaining of the first half, Hearts pressure finally told. Fed up with trying to play nice football on a surface only fit for naked female mud-wrestling (unfortunately Slocombe’s 30 something didn’t fancy it, though rumours that Wee Man’s missus was up for it are being investigated), Whitby launched a long, high kick into the Southey half. Cartridge got up like Rocco at the start of a gang bang to flick the ball on, Wee Man burst into life to sprint past the dawdling centre half, kept his composure and fired Hearts level. 

Just as the capacity (4 people) crowd were settling for the scores being level at the interval, Hearts took an undeserved lead. They were awarded a free kick just inside their own half. As the Southey players argued the decision, Big Nev took the kick early to Cartridge who was clear on goal. As he bore down on the keeper, to everyone’s amazement he squared the ball to Wee Man. The Southey stopper had passed out at Cartridge’s unselfishness but Wee Man kept his head to roll the ball into the unguarded goal. 

Half Time: Southey Social 1 Sacred Heart 2 

Hearts came out for the second half in determined mood after Swampy’s inspirational team talk. “Lads, these are pap!” was all he managed before abuse was being hurled at him for an injury that cleared up quicker than it appeared. All the early play was coming from the visitors with the midfield four dominating and the front two buzzing like vibros at a lesbian convention. 

A third goal from the Hearts appeared inevitable and so it proved. A long hopeful clearance stuck in the bog. Brian Connolly stopped mid song to race clean through and walk round the floundering keeper. Hearts hearts were in their mouths as a defender raced back to cover, but Connolly showed his on stage composure by rolling the ball home. 

Southey tried in vain to get back in to the game but Sean of the Dead prowled the midfield minefield like a zombie at a virgin’s house breaking up every move the hapless home side put together. The hosts strikers were obviously getting frustrated at this point and were less than complimentary about Big Nev’s weight problems, although they weren’t as harsh as the Hearts boys have been in the past. 

The game was over as a contest with 15 minutes to go. Cartridge was receiving unprecedented abuse from both the visiting fans and the hosts back line, most notably from the Southey right back for attempting a trademark audacious overhead kick from fully 25 yards. The last laugh though was had by the prolific striker. As the right back mocked his effort, the Southey keeper attempted a throw out to the angry defender, he was busy berating a player he was clearly envious of and the ball bounced off the back of his head and into the Captain’s path. This gave Cartridge the chance to get into the box (something he is very familiar with). With 23 men surrounding him (like in his dreams) and another Hearts player unmarked 5 yards out in the centre of goal, Cartridge ignored his team mate’s plea for a pass, as usual. He splashed about in the mud, before curling an unstoppable effort into the far corner and stopping on the way back to the centre circle to thank the Southey right back for his contribution. “Muppet !!” 

Just as the game appeared to be over, Hearts who always want to entertain allowed Southey back in to the game. The Crazy Dutch Superstar began 5 minutes of rebellious madness with a wild lunge inside the box (although we’d all like to lunge into a box now and then). The ref had no option but to point to the spot and Southey’s Elephant striker made no mistake in dispatching the kick. 

From the restart, the Crazy Dutch Superstar continued his frustration, berating the referee for every decision. With his best John McEnroe impression he hollered “Come on ref, it’s every time!” A stern lecture followed and this appeared to calm the Crazy Dutchman. 

The game petered out to an uneventful conclusion. After the match, GoM caught up with Dearns for this exclusive interview: 

GoM: So Ben, how did you feel the game went?

BD: My name is Ben Dearns and I am an alcoholic

GoM: After going a goal behind, did you think you could get back into it?

BD: My name is Ben Dearns and I am an alcoholic.

GoM: Do you think your performance suffered as a result of two weeks detox?

BD: My name is Ben Dearns and I am an alcoholic.

GoM: F*ck this! Get me a beer !!!