This Sunday saw a return to action for Sacred Heart after a 3 week lay off, against an Arbourthorne side one place and three points above them in the table.

Hearts had new signing Carl “Can only afford a holiday to” Whitby available to make his debut as keeper, at the expense of Big Nev who had made a huge impact in goal – literally. The goal mouth at the Hearts home ground is full of craters where the big man has landed. The only other change from last time out’s Simpson Bashing was a big surprise. Big Nev replaced N64 at centre back, yes in the defence, who was out with a sprained joypad. 

Swampy did his best to inspire the Hearts with his revolutionary team talk. “Stay in the dressing room as long as you can lads, it’s freezing out there!” Any attempt to do any pre-match preparations were long forgotten when Captain Cartridge mentioned revelations from an unknown reliable source about Wes “The Sandwich filling” Johnson’s latest antics. The news has come as such a shock to so many, it turns out Wes might not be completely gay after all. 

The game kicked off with several Hearts players still wishing they were in the dressing room and things got even worse very quickly. Woofer, so often the creative genius for the Hearts, set up the first goal of the game. He inexplicably miscontrolled the ball from Whitby’s throw out, right on the edge of the box and fell over like Paris with a kebab. The Arbourthorne striker latched on to the loose ball and miss hit his effort back to where the keeper had come from and just inside the post. 

The game was scrappy, with both sides squandering possession easily. Swampy, obviously thinking he was still playing against Vernon and didn’t have to make any effort, was perhaps the biggest culprit of all.

The games second goal came about 10 minutes before halftime. Cartridge did his regular audition for an extra in Platoon just outside the Arbourthorne area. Mr Magoo didn’t see the foul, but heard the Hearts skipper’s cry as he flew threw mid air and awarded a free kick in a dangerous position. Up stepped the Pornstar Captain, only to lash his free kick (predictably) into the wall. Arbourthorne broke with real purpose down the Hearts left, in came the cross and Big Nev was left 2 on 1 at the back (for once Wesley was not present). Arbour’s little winger appeared from nowhere to lash the ball in from close range. 

Half Time: Arbourthorne EA 2 Sacred Heart 0 

As the Hearts left the field, trouble was brewing. A real clash of the titans was about to start – one that nobody would have dared interfere with! Woofer and Wee Man, both understandably frustrated by a lacklustre first half performance, decided to vent their fury at each other. Swampy threw his now traditional half time paddy and Hearts went out after half time feeling even worse than before it. 

The abuse seemed to have done the trick though as Hearts started the brighter team. Crisp passing, flowing movement and great skill could all be seen later on Sky as Newcastle hosted Chelsea, but the Hearts really stepped up their endeavour. The Crazy Dutch Superstar appeared looking like a cross between Pat Cash and some kind of extra from a Nordic skiing commercial, on for the hamstrung Peruvian Love God had their first real chance of the game, but dragged his effort wide. He must have had that headband over his eyes as well as his ears as he ran down the line with the ball straight into all the Hearts fans with no players anywhere near him. 

Next, after another neat move involving the lively Sean of the Dead, Cartridge had a slight opening (which is all he needs) from 30 yards and tried a clever lob over the enormous Arbour ‘keeper, only for the stopper to get back to make the save. 

All the Hearts hard work and good pressure was undone by an absolute clanger from the ancient official. Arbour’s striker was stood by the penalty spot, with no Hearts players in the area. As the ball was played in, he turned and put the ball into the Hearts net with a look of disbelief on his face. Big Nev attempted to chase (but failed to keep up with) the 70+ year old to question his amazing decision.  

Indeed, the referee had been so late making some decisions during the game that it has been reported since, that the referee actually awarded a throw-in to Arbourthorne on Monday afternoon. 

Although the game was now over as a contest, Hearts began to create their best openings. Cartridge went clean through with no defenders for company. He probably had too much time and as he stood there measuring the angles, Arbour’s giant ‘keeper had closed them all and Cartridge rolled the ball tamely into his hands. 

Hearts finally did find the net, but it was little more than a consolation. At last, Woofer did something right! He played a good one – two with Wee Man, before rolling a perfectly weighted pass into the path of the in-rushing Swampy. The scruffy little midfielder lashed at his effort only to see it trickle across goal and off the post. Arbour’s ‘keeper had fallen over by now laughing at the effort as Cartridge showed he’s always dangerous in a tight box, by pouncing to force it home hard. 

The ref blew the final whistle to signal the end of possibly the Hearts worst performance of the season, much to the relief of all involved. After the game, Wee Man said of the dire effort, “We were ******* ****, that’s ******* *******, I can’t ******* believe ********* we ******* played that ********* bad, **** me, I’ve ******* had ****** enough of this ******* ****!”