Coming off the back of an unfortunate defeat at Handsworth White Rose, Sacred Heart were determined to return to winning ways against a Timbertop side one place above them in the league and fielding Hearts loser reject Vernon Simpson and Lanky front man Peter Crouch, on loan from Southampton.

The day was a sad day for Hearts. Former boy wonder Ryan Taylor in his 10^th season with the club left for 2 years in Australia. Manager Swampy’s midweek request that no players turn up Sunday morning with a hangover, following Ryan’s leaving night, was strictly adhered to. Out of the 14 man squad – 12 were still pissed and shaking!! The 2 sober boys (and you know who you are) may well be dropped for future games.

Swampy’s team selection contained no surprises. N64 returned to the heart of the defence having done his homework at the expense of Dearnsy who ironically was less pissed than usual. Sean of the Dead replaced Rhino, absent with a dislocated pugil stick.

The early exchanges of the game were scrappy and only really notable for the outstanding refereeing decisions that baffled both the home side and the visitors equally. Gareth Gates grandad took so long to announce his d d d d d decisions that the two sides had resumed play before the ref’s final a a a a a a a a announcement.

Hearts took an early lead through the enigmatic Cartridge. Timbertop failed to clear a Paris corner and the ball rolled to the Captain Cartridge, he swivelled and lashed wildly at the ball. The visitors keeper was wrong footed by the miss kick and the ball trickled over the line to make it 1-0.

For the remainder of the half, Timbertop piled the pressure on the hungover Hearts. First, old boy Simpson hit an effort from the edge of the box which Big Nev appeared to have covered while rolling slowly to his left. Then the nippy winger found space in the Hearts box and smashed a first time effort against the bar with Big Nev dreaming about his kebab from the previous night.

Timbertop again went close just before half time. Slocombe buoyed by his performance at Bar Matrix in pulling a 30 something, got his foot in as the visitors winger again bore down on goal. The Space Hopper King’s effort flew inches wide and was rewarded with a goal kick for Hearts. Thanks to Gates Snr.

Half time: Sacred Heart 1 Timbertop 0

Hearts came out for the second half having made two enforced changes. Despite passing pre-match breathalyser tests, Woofer and Paris failed to shake off their hangovers and had to be replaced by the Crazy Dutch Superstar and Wes “Gay Pride” Johnson. However, this disruption was little compared to that caused by the Simpson Factor in the visitors camp. Unusually, his attitude was less than professional and caused a row in the half time huddle. 

The changes took some getting used to for the beleaguered Hearts back line as Timbertop forced the pace from the outset. They created numerous openings without ever really threatening the Hearts goal. The best chance came as a result of Big Nev rushing out for a through ball that held up in the bog . Timbertop’s striker beat him to the ball only to be halted by the impressive N64 with the goal at his mercy.

With 20 minutes to go, it was time for the Little Robbie show. Hearts pint sized goal getter decided it was time to show what he was all about with a quick fire hat trick. If that wasn’t unbelievable enough, all 3 goals game from passes from Captain greedy himself, Cartridge.

Robbie dispatched his first after the keeper parried a Cartridge effort after a superb cross from Woofer. His second came after Cartridge slipped him in with ease, much like a previous evening with Hearts biggest fan. The third was a classy lob after a solo run from just inside the Hearts half after again Cartridge showed his expertise at slotting things in, with a measured through ball.

Timbertop were now playing like a side who knew they were beaten. The elegant Bozzer at left back, playing in front of his proud parents, decided that he was just going to kick anything that moved. One assault nearly saw the Crazy Dutch Superstar sliced in two and another almost left Sean, quite literally, of the Dead.

The visitors had given up by this point and Cartridge rounded off the scoring in some style (as usual, the fans cried). Having had 3 one on ones with Timbertop keeper Buzzer, and hit 3 shots straight at the eccentric custodian, Cartridge found himself on the right edge of the 18 yard box. Instead of advancing into the box or squaring the ball to one of 4 Hearts boys sprinting 50 yards to get in on the action, Hearts Pornstar Captain simply curled a left footed beauty into the stanch. Pick that out Buzzer, you couldn’t have placed that ball more in the top corner if you’d have walked there and done it by hand. A fitting end to a great team performance. On this form, Hearts new policy is “you’re only playing if you’re still pissed from the night before”. First name on the sheet every week, Dearnsy !!