In came Brian Connolly for his first start of the New Year in place of Sean of the Dead who is currently missing in action. Crazy Dutch Superstar had a cold, which required a medicinal night out in town so was unable to make the squad. Also missing was N64 who had homework to do. This left a hole that only “Autumn Collection” Ben Dearns could fill – amazingly he turned up relatively sober, that said, his partner at centre half Slocombe made up for this due to some birthday shenanigans the previous evening. Note to Forum poster “the news lady”, we (GOM team) know who you are and where you live so beware!! Paris Hilton showed his commitment to the club by leaving a party he joined at around 9.00pm Saturday just to play!!! 

Still missing with what can only be described as a questionable wrist injury was “keeper” Andy Bailey. He was last seen in a chat room trying to pull a 23 year old girl from York who turned out to be a 56 year old bloke in HMP York. That meant in form Big Nev remained between the sticks, but if he gets any wider, he’ll not fit inside them for much longer. 

The game started on a surface devoid of any grass and not really fit to graze cows. Hearts had the better of the early exchanges, surprisingly playing good football in the moons craters. For all their good play though, Hearts could not create any real openings for the tireless Cartridge and the headless chicken Wee Man up front. 

Against the run of play, Handsworth grabbed the lead from a long throw in by Bramble. The ball bounced on the corner of the 6 yard box and was hooked over his own shoulder by the striker and in off the far post.

Things got worse for the luckless Hearts as the inspirational Rhino took an awkward knock and was forced to leave the field. On came Ted Wylie for his first appearance since October. 

Connolly was running riot down the left wing with his mazy runs at the Handsworth defenders, beating them (0ff) every time. However, Hearts got their deserved equaliser from the right. Peruvian love God – Belk terrorised the left back with his huge hair. He cut inside and fed the ball to Wee Man who unleashed a rocket into the bottom right hand corner giving the home keeper no chance. 

Having got back into the game, Hearts then gave the advantage back to the home side. Handsworth’s tricky winger Charles Charlie Charles picked the ball up just inside the Hearts half and ran at their defence. Paris, Slocombe and Dearns all pretended to make a challenge, but Charles wasn’t fooled and danced past them to drive a fierce shot into the top corner. 

Half time: Handsworth White Rose 2 Sacred Heart 1 

Hearts came out for the second half with Swampy and Ted dominating the initial exchanges in midfield. Connolly and Wee Man were also a constant menace to the hapless Handsworth full back. On the other hand, Handsworth were a constant menace on the break, using the wind advantage to pepper the miniature Hearts backline with long, heavy balls. 

Hearts continued to stick to their traditional method of building from the back. Mainly because Big Nev couldn’t kick the ball further than 20 yards. Wooffer was playing some great balls down the line to Belk, but on the other side Paris was kicking for touch better than Johnny Wilkinson. 

Belk continued to remain in the thick of the action. The Handsworth left back may have been petrified by the South American’s hair, but Bramble wasn’t. He launched Belk into orbit with one challenge that left the Hearts winger screaming in agony. However, when Crazy Dutch Superstar came onto the field to confirm the quadruple fracture everyone feared, he was left asking “Where the fuck did you get kicked again”. 

A constant siege on the Handsworth goal had to bring an equaliser for Hearts and with 15 minutes to go – the goal came from a surprising source. More good work down the left resulted in a cross towards the back post where Belk was still looking for his leg after the earlier challenge. He touched it back inside for Cartridge who had been well marked by Bramble, who has finally found his level. Cartridge lashed the ball first time and it flew inside the post and Hearts had their just rewards. 

Handsworth stepped up their efforts in a bid to find the winner kicking the ball even further up the cow field, whereas the Hearts appeared to be happy to settle for the point. A late corner for Handsworth gave them opportunity to find a winner. The ball was fizzed into the back post where Bramble showed Cartridge how to lose his marker and head the winner.