The first game of the New Year saw Hearts travelling to their bogey side HSBC Bank. After a vast upturn in form, this was a game they came to fully expecting to win despite losing in all 3 previous meetings.

The old adage of “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it” went straight out of the dressing room window, with the nomadic Swampy taking charge of team affairs. Cartridge’s 100% record was obviously not impressive enough for the megalomaniac Manager. Also swept by the wayside was the method of team selection, Hearts actually had substitutes and therefore a selection dilemma for Swampy. Sean of the Dead returned to bolster Hearts midfield, with Paris dropping back to his preferred spot at left back. Wes Johnson was unable to make it due to a commitment involving some extremely dubious rubber gloves?!?! 

Christmas Boots

The highlight of the warm up was the ref sporting his brand spanking new “Christmas” blue boots, as spotted by the eagle eyed Rhino. Perhaps a sign of things to come was the ref’s response when Rhino asked him “new Christmas boots ref?” to which he replied “if you make comments like that to the opposition, you deserve all you get”. In the first half, Hearts kicked into a strong wind and were soon on the back foot. Judas Brooksbank had an early opportunity from close range, but was blocked by the ever growing Big Nev Apu. Minutes later, Brooksbank was again the scourge of his former club, crossing for what seemed like a simple finish from the Bank’s gypo striker, only to put his close range header wide. 

As the half reached its climax, Hearts began to show glimpses of their recent form. Wee Man Robbie and Pornstar Captain Cartridge were running the HSBC defence ragged, creating numerous opportunities. Wee Man worried the car park attendant with one shot after a strong run and Cartridge appeared to be brought down for a stick on peno only for the referee to wave away the appeals. 

On the ‘stroke’ of half time, Hearts won a corner out on their left. Woofer floated a glorious ball in, Cartridge headed the ball back across goal towards Swampy who was only a yard out but somehow miraculously headed the ball over the bar! The ref had seen enough and instantly blew the half time whistle. Several Hearts players trudged off the pitch with their heads in their hands, disbelieving what they had just witnessed. 

Half Time: HSBC Bank 0 Sacred Heart 0 

With the wind at their backs, Hearts came out for the second half in determined fashion. Straight from the restart they applied the pressure forcing HSBC to defend for their lives. It was surely only a matter of time before the pressure told and Hearts got their just rewards. 

Swampy almost broke the deadlock with the best shot of the game. From the right hand side of the edge of the box, he fired in a low effort that was flying into the bottom corner. An amazing goal line clearance from Wee Man wrecked the effort though and HSCB restarted with a goal kick. 

Numerous Beauties

HSBC were now really struggling to get out of their own half and Hearts had a succession of corners from the top side of the pitch. Woofer flighted in numerous beauties, only for the shot shy Hearts to watch as they fizzed across goal. If only they had been inspired by another Cartridge half time team rant. 

Swampy made changes in an attempt to break the deadlock. On came Brian Connolly and Crazy Dutch Superstar for the tireless Rhino, who did look knackered and injury prone Belky. Connolly instantly had an impact with a mazy run that resulted in yet another unconverted cross. 

Sean “of the Dead” White came alive and had perhaps the best chance of the match. Cartridge’s gentle touch (last seen the previous evening) put him clean through with no defender in sight, however the chance was spurned with the shot rolling out somewhere near the corner flag. Minutes later from a corner, Sean again leaped like a salmon to power a Paris corner on to the bar. By now, Hearts were beginning to realise this was not to be their day. 

Shaggy

The immaculate N64 and Slocombe were sat on the half way line playing cluedo when HSBC launched a fast paced counter attack. Their shaggy haired striker, perhaps amazed by the fact that he had finally got a touch, went clean through with only the keeper to beat but screwed his shot across the face of the goal. If he had hit the target it would surely have been the winner, as Big Nev was asleep in the back of the net due to the total domination.  

The game closed out to a goal less conclusion, with an ambitious 50 yarder from Swampy being tipped over the bar and a 1 against 1 from Brooksbank saved by the impressive Hearts stopper. The final whistle was met with joy from the HSBC players, relieved that they had escaped the humiliation they deserved. Hearts players trudged from the pitch, amazed that all their efforts had been in vain. 

Final Score: HSBC Bank 0 Sacred Heart 0 

EXCLUSIVE NEWSFLASH!

After the game, the Hearts team and committee were choosing next seasons kit. Inspired by one of the most successful teams in the history of the game, Hearts chose the Red and Black stripes of Yeading.

Sacred Heart: Stacey, Belk (Connelly), White, Slocombe, Nteidu, Oliver (Andresson), Wooffinden, Linnell, Aspinall, Catridge ©, Hilton. Subs : All used and abused

HSBC: No team sheet handed to GOM team