Memo to Players : Please be aware Mr X has had to resign his post as GOM co-author due to a reassignment to the Kangaroo Daily. This position has been filled with immediate effect by his replacement Mr XL. Here is an impressive debut from Mr XL. 

This Sunday saw Hearts biggest day of the season. A home fixture versus bottom side York Hotel. This was the perfect game for Hearts to build on last weeks victory against Packhorse and put another much needed 3 points on the board. However, they were never going to let that get in the way of the annual Christmas piss up which was to follow the game. 

After last Sundays sound beating of Packhorse, stand in manager Cartridge once again assumed responsibility for team selection and stuck with the tried and tested “if you’re here, you’re playing!” formula that has turned around the clubs fortunes. However, the Crazy Dutch Superstar was heard to sniffle on Wednesday so was ruled out and Sean “of the Dead” was attacked by Mummies in an incident in Sheffield on Friday. In came Belky at right back with Woofer moving forward into midfield and a shock return for the nomadic Swampy, who it is alleged once managed the club. N64 passed a late fitness test – late as in he turned up at 5 to 11 yet again. 

It’s the Gladiators

A scrappy opening saw both sides get into the festive spirit by giving an awful lot away to each other. However, Hearts took the lead with the first meaningful effort of the game. The visitors keeper, a certain S. Claus, was seen walking towards the M1 whilst his defence played two touch in the 6 yard box. The clearance was a poor one which fell to the ever alert Rhino 30 yards out from goal. He hit it first time into the open goal and celebrated in dignified style. At this stage, Claus was stood in an offside position in the Hearts penalty area.

Everybody at the ground was happy to hear the half time whistle, wondering could the Hearts management lift the side to greater heights in the second half? The team talk started with Swampy running off to the toilets, not to be seen for another 15 minutes. Caretaker manager Cartridge assumed the mantle and delivered an inspiring team talk. At one stage he was heard to be ranting “Stand up and be counted boys – stand up and be counted!” 

This seemed to put the Hearts back four off at the beginning of the second half. N64 and Space Hopper King Pin Slocombe, a most improved player of the season candidate, were seen still laughing at Cartridge as York produced 2 excellent early chances. Both one on ones were put wide of the enormous “Big Nev” Apu in goal and therefore well wide of the posts. 

Standing up & being counted

Once the giggling fit had subsided, Hearts went on to play their finest football of the season. A glorious free kick by Woofer was nodded in by Cartridge to give the Hearts a two goal cushion. He ran away to the corner flag chanting “I’m standing up and being counted”. 

Next, little Robbie made up for his farcical air shot, reminiscent of a Bailey clearance. He got on the end of some beautiful work by Wes and Paris, twisting one way then the other before finishing with a sublime left footed finish. It was now becoming a bit of a rout. Cartridge went through after excellent work by Robbie, feigned to shoot and dinked the ball over S.Claus who was flapping about on the floor like a fish out of water. 

Big Floater 

The final humiliation came with a 35 yard floater from Woofer. The ball was going straight at the bemused S.Claus who proceeded to let it slip under his knees as he fell over sideways. It was, in the words of one Hearts player, ‘Baileyesque’ for both lack of technique and comedy value. 

After the game, Hearts manager, captain, top scorer, free kick, penalty, throw in, corner and goal kick taker, Cartridge said "If Chelsea used to play sexy football, that performance must have been hardcore porn! And believe me I know hardcore porn when I see it” 

Sacred Heart: Stacey, Belk, Johnson, Slocombe, Nteidu, Oliver, Wooffinden, Linnell, Aspinall, Catridge ©, Hilton. Subs : No subs

York Hotel: No team sheet handed to GOM team 

Xmas Shenanigans 

This is all a bit of a blurr but highlights of the evening were :  

Getting thrown out of Sharkeys for being too noisy and upsetting the one other customer in the place! Belky gobbing off at a bouncer outside the bar and Rhino trying to batter one with his pugil stick. 

“The Potion” concocted by the seriously warped, insane and sadistic Mark Wooffinden who is evidently still the quieter and more sociable of the brothers. 

N64 turning up later for the Xmas party than he does for matches. He was spotted walking around West Street at 3am asking if anybody had seen us. 

“Big Nev” walking home 8 miles from SWFC to Stocksbridge in the blistering cold, running and dancing down Wes and Woofer’s street singing “Stacey’s going home”.