Hearts went into this clash with Packhorse Inn off the back of 4 straight defeats, including a 6-1 shocker in the reverse fixture in their last game and without several regular players. Hearts seem to have more players missing in action than actually available for selection. Manager for the day Captain Pornstar Cartridge employed a unique selection policy for this game, if you’re here, you’re playing. This seemed to pay dividends and may well be employed for all future games. Although if it is first 11 here get the shirts, the N64 will never play another game for the Hearts in his career. 

Missing this week from the festivities were Player / Manager Linnell (injured while the tree he was up protesting in was felled), Taylor “the Nailer” (working out the formalities of his big money international transfer, to be announced soon), Andy Bailey (he had a cold!!), Dearnsy (says he hurt his ankle, but GOM can exclusively reveal he was pissed again), Danny Connelly (stuck at the London Palladium), Merrill (retired, we think), Tommo (still got an injury from too much “playin”), Ted (still at anger management classes) and Yosemite Sam (Daffy Duck has escaped). Making his debut was Shaun “of the dead” (until we find out his real name and nickname him accordingly) or was it Steve, eh Paris ?!? 

Hearts were much more determined this week to put in a good performance and get revenge for the embarrassing defeat suffered at High Green playing fields 2 weeks ago. They started well with new centre back partnership of the N64 and space hopper expert Slocombe looking solid. Phil Mitchell was looking good in the centre of the park despite the loss of his brother Grant, this was more than made up for by new boy Shaun who slotted in like he’d been with Phil all season. Maybe he has, we don’t know what they get up to off the pitch.

It Could’ve been Pele

Hearts pressure on the Packhorse defence finally paid off when yet another Paris Hilton home movie style run down the left wing resulted in a cross in the box that was only half cleared into the air to about the penalty spot. This was all the invitation Captain Cartridge needed to launch a spectacular overhead kick into the top right corner of the goal leaving the visitors keeper grasping at thin air. For this reporter, it brought back memories of the great Pele in Escape to Victory, but to be fair to Pele, this goal was better. The ground was in stunned silence as the Goal Banger returned to form in the best way possible. 

Hearts continued to hold the upper hand but Packhorse showed they could play a bit too and 10 minutes before half time equalised when Hearts gifted them possession from a sloppy throw in. A slick passing move on the edge of the box saw the centre forward shoot past retro towel enthusiast Stacey from only 6 yards. This seemed to really upset right back Woofer. Although later it was revealed that this was because Stacey had nicked his 70s wallpaper style shower towel. 

Half Time: Sacred Heart 1 Packhorse Inn 1 

You know you want it 

Hearts half time team talk was all about who wanted it more. They concluded that they all wanted it as often as possible, but needed to concentrate on the football instead. With the inspirational words of the Pornstar Captain / Player / Manager still ringing in their ears the Hearts boys set about showing more of the same from the first half and getting 3 valuable points. 

It only took the Hearts 10 minutes to re establish the lead. Some quality passing involving nearly all the midfield resulted in Paris Hilton again supplying a superb through ball which the now revitalised goal banger Cartridge just had to lift over the advancing keeper WITH HIS RIGHT FOOT. 

Hearts were in the ascendancy now and chances were coming thick and fast for Catridge, Little Robby Aspinall and both wingers Hokan and Paris. Packhorse were never out of it though and special mention must go to the centre midfield pair who stopped the Packhorse No. 8, their best player 2 weeks ago, from getting a sniff. So much so that he told Phil Mitchell “next time you get the ball, I’m gonna snap you in 2.” Luckily for the Hearts Phil has confirmed this morning, he is in fact still in 1 piece and expects to be for the foreseeable future. 

Robby with a lobby (goal, not erection although who could blame him) 

Hearts really needed another goal and it came after man of the match Phil Mitchell actually passed a ball forwards rather than sideways like all the other ones to set Little Rob through and he got his rewards for his tireless running by lobbing the keeper to secure the game. It was especially nice for Robby who was subjected to some abuse in the away fixture about one of the Packhorse players having a son older than him. 

Afterwards stand in manager Cartridge commented “well, what about that goal, you’ll never see a better goal if you live to be 1000, it’s all the execution you know, that’s what all the ladies tell me. No seriously, the lads were fantastic today and responded in exactly the right way to our recent slump in form. We’ve now got to take this form into next week and make sure we get 3 points against York Hotel. I want Lino to have a few selection headaches when he returns. But that goal, it was amazing wasn’t it, hey come back I haven’t finished telling you about my goal, hey wait, please come back, please……..” 

Final Score: Sacred Heart 3 Packhorse Inn 1  

Sacred Heart : Stacey, Wooffinden, Johnson, Slocombe, Ntiedu, Oliver, Andresson (Belk), Oliver, Aspinall, Cartridge ©, Hilton : Subs Not used and Abused, All used and abused