Hearts fielded a new look side as they were missing many players for the home clash with Hillsborough Phoenix. Manager
“Swampy” Linnell, “Apu” Stacey, “Crazy Dutchman” Hakon, “Fashion Victim” Dearns
and Yosemite Sam were all away, whilst “Rocco” Thompson, “Aggro” Wylie, “Sicknote” Belk,
“I pulled my back lifting a fire mmmm yeah right.” Merrill and Mecca Bingo regular Taylor were all injured. The
Hearts also welcomed a new player, Woofer had brought us his favourite shower buddy. Danny “Brian” Connelly signed
from Real ITV for a new set of corner flags and some adult DVD’s. Clearly the British Rail timekeeping course the N64
was sent on is having a positive effect on the Hearts defender as he was only 15 minutes late!
Referee Scarborough managed to put his paint brush and
easel down for a couple of hours in order to give the fixture the green light after some poor weather earlier in the week.
The Skunk
The Hearts started brightly, working hard to close down
their opponents quickly and not enabling the away team to settle. This was rewarded half way through the first half with a
Paris “The Skunk” Hilton cross that deceived the keeper and dropped into the net. The Hearts should have had a
second through Cartridge but the Hearts Pornstar Captain was unfairly given offside. Phoenix will also point to a couple of
goal line clearances by Hearts keeper Bailey and the ‘flexible’ Wesley Snipes.
‘Baby Ruth!!!’
Hearts ex-goal banger Cartridge was clearly influenced
by meeting the twin sister of “Sloth” from the film “The Goonies” the previous night and was heard
bellowing orders to his players throughout the game. As the rest of the team reacted positively to their Captains shouts of
‘Chocolate?!?’ and ‘Hey you Guys!’
Half
time: Sacred Heart 1 Hillsborough Phoenix 0
With the Hearts just edging the first half, there was
no doubting the second half belonged to the league leaders who managed to hit the woodwork 39 times (source Kaliber Opta stats).
The Hearts continued with their hard work ethic from the first half and also conjured up a couple of good opportunities in
the second 45 but perhaps like Paul Daniels, the final ball letting them down.
Phoenix eventually managed to break the Hearts resolute
defence from a corner with the ball dropping nicely to a striker who swept the ball in off the bar. The Hearts lads kept their
heads up and continued to try and win this end to end battle. The hardworking Little Robbie Aspinall, no doubt encouraged
by Hearts 3 biggest fans in the dugout (she always manages to bring her 2 best friends somehow) was taking more kicks during
the game than the actual football and new boy “Brian” Connelly was making an impressive debut with a few good
bursts from midfield showing no ill effects of the Royal Variety show he had performed in during the previous evening.
Last Minute Winner
There was heartbreak for the Hearts in the dying minutes
as the away team stole all 3 points with a cross to the far post which was swept home by the Phoenix winger, who celebrated
with the rest of his team mates who knew they had been in a tough match. There was also heartbreak for the Hearts number 3,
young Wesley “Snipes” had become quite fond of the Phoenix flying right winger having spent most of the second
45 chasing, as he put it afterwards “his tight little ass”
It seemed harsh on the Hearts who had battled solidly
for 90 minutes and deserved at least a draw from this one, but the points were lost and so was Acting Manager Taylor’s
voice.
Referee Scarborough enjoyed the match saying “What
a great game! I think I’ll have to paint a picture of this match when I get home, perhaps I’ll auction it off
for Children In Need”…….the picture is expected to raise around £1.25.
Full Time: Sacred Heart 1 Hillsborough Phoenix
2
Sacred Heart : Bailey, Wooffinden, Slocombe, Ntiedu,
Johnson, Belk, Oliver, Connelly, Hilton, Cartridge ©, Aspinall : Sub not used and Abused (at least not during the game) Taylor
Hillsborough
Phoenix :Butterell, Wilkes, Edwards, Colley, Baker, Hogg ©, Wilson, Burgin, Turnbull, Rumboll, Oxley
