The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one
or two grams to get me to sleep at night.Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Yorkshire when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.Susan
Murray at the Underbelly
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done."Jimmy Carr at the ICC
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a Goat.Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.Jimmy
Carr at the ICC
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's
my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly
Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.Jimmy Carr
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".Mark Watson,
Rhod Gilbert at The Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.Adrian Poynton at the
Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.Demetri Martin
at the Assembly Rooms
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.Patrick Monahan
at the Gilded Balloon
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to
convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs,
why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a
hoop of fire. They're trained for that.Milton Jones at the Underbelly
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How
do you think I feel?"Arnold Brown at The Stand
There's only one club in Europe that you can leave Manchester United for - Real Madrid or Barcelona." John Aldridge
There could be fatalities - or, even worse, injuries." Phil Neal, looking forward to England's trip to Turkey
I've always been a childhood Liverpool fan, even when I was a kid." Harry Kewell
"The trouble with football these days is that there are too many Madonna's in the game." A caller to BBC Radio Five
"Maine Road was a great football stadium, but as time moved on it Stayed where it is." Kevin Keegan
"Paul Scholes with four players in front of him - five if you count Gary Neville." Darragh Moloney Irish sports commenter
"The ageless Teddy Sheringham, 37 now. Tony Gubba
"Phil Neville, today he's at full back, in the last game he took over the Butt holding role." BBC Radio Five commentator
"He will probably wake up after having sleepless nights thinking about that one." Alan Parry
"Giggs did everything there but either score or pass." Tom Tyrrell
No disrespect, but ... I would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon than have (David) O'Leary back as manager" Simon
Jose, of the Leeds United Independent Fans' Association
"We've had everyone (apply for the Spurs job) - managers, agents, mothers, fathers, dustmen, cleaners. To be fair, none
of the above would probably do much worse than Glenn Hoddle." David Pleat
"You've got both ends of the spectrum at Newcastle. On the one hand there's Alan Shearer, who is rightly regarded as an
ambassador for the game, on the other hand you have Craig Bellamy." Dean Kiely
"The Scottish Football Association are nothing but a bunch of perpendicular ponces . . . they are like a fly around a cow's
backside." Dundee director Giovanni Did Stefano
"Why do people keep signing Nick Barmby?" Jimmy Greaves
"I've achieved nothing, I've won nothing, and that's why I am here." Harry Kewell, on why he joined Liverpool
"I bet you two would have loved to play with him, what with those balls." Ray Wilkins (praising David Beckham's crossing
ability, and leaving Joe Royle and Alan Shearer ashen-faced).
"There was some European punishment on Thursday for Sir Alex to take on the chin, but maybe domestic pleasure is close
at hand." Martin Tyler
"Gary Speed has been absolutely massive for me . . . his influence on the team cannot be underestimated." Bobby Robson
"It's going to be difficult for me - I've never had to learn a language and now I do." David Beckham after his move to
Madrid
"The Waterford player's shot was on target, which is an important aspect of a player's shot. "Damien Richardson
"If you had a linesman on each side of the pitch, in both halves, you'd have nearly four." Robbie Earle
"A goal is going to decide this in many ways." David O'Leary
Rob McLean: "John Hartson is playing superbly today."
Sandy Clark: "Yes Rob, there's no one better today."
McLean: "So Sandy, who is your man of the match?"
Clark: "Alan Thompson."
Reporter: "Briefly Graham, how would you judge the image of the game at the moment?"
Graham Taylor: "Poorly."
"Dave has this incredible knack of pulling a couple of chickens out of the hat each season." Millwall manager Mark McGhee
attempts to pay homage to Dave Jones of Wolves
"You takes your money, you pays your choice, sort of thing." Tim Flowers
"Well, Manchester Uni . . . I mean Manchester City are in action tonight. Sorry, I almost said Manchester United there
- a bit of a fraudulent slip." Talksport's Bill Young (Dangerhere.com)
"It's slightly alarming the way Manchester United decapitated against Stuttgart." Mark Lawrenson, after united, em, capitulated
to the Germans in October
"When the golden goal went in it was like doing 10 years in prison and then walking out and getting a smack of a bus."
Irish manager Gerry Smith after Ireland fought back from 2-0 down to Colombia, only to lose to a golden goal at the World
Youth Cup
"Luke Chadwick is proving he's a good footballer. He's not David Beckham, but then again not many players are." Cardiff
manager Lennie Lawrence
"I want to win the league with Everton." Wayne Rooney has them rolling in the aisles.
"Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league and Manchester United Are up there with them, obviously." Craig Bellamy
"We'll have more football later. Meanwhile, here are the highlights from the Scottish Cup final." ITV's Gary Newbon
"Hoddle's motto is: If you can't convince the players, just confuse 'em." Tim Sherwood
"Have you ever seen a salad, have you ****." Manchester United fans every time Leicester City's portly Alan Rogers was
on the ball
"Shameless drunks." David Ginola's tribute to British women - charming!
"I wish every game was against Everton." Juninho's (Middlesborough) footballing version of "I wish it could be Christmas
every day".
"It was an excellent cross by Gary (Neville), I was surprised by the quality of it." Roy Keane
"I don't think Lee Bowyer is racist at all, I think he would stamp on anybody's head." Rodney Marsh
"I am not dreaming about Arsenal. You need huge qualities to go there and there are already so many great players at the
club. If I have the chance to go to England, I will aim on a level below Arsenal, I like Tottenham very much." Lens midfielder
Antoine Sibierski (who then went to Man City...)
"Can you please tell us - what language is he speaking?" Romanian television station TVR after being sent a tape of a Gordon
Strachan press conference
"If we had taken our chances we would have won - at least." David O'Leary (Aston Villa)
"If you can get through the first round you have a good chance of getting into the next one." Nigel Worthington (Norwich)
"As long as no one scored, it was always going to be close." Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)
"We did not deserve to lose today - we weren't beaten, we lost." Howard Wilkinson (Sunderland)
"That's going to happen a lot, teams will be at their most dangerous against us when we have The ball." Dave Jones (Wolves)
"The sending off? Well, Jason McAteer would annoy anyone." Roy Keane
"We can't replace Gary Speed. Where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head?" Bobby Robson
"When he was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue - that's what he's
always like." Southampton manager Gordon Strachan on Claus Lundekvam
"It's an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call From Michael Jackson than Sven-Goran
Eriksson Derek McGovern (Channel Four presenter) on Wayne Rooney's call-up to the England squad.
"Like a woman on her wedding day - nervous, out of position and hoping everything would soon be over so she could go up
to the bedroom." Spanish newspaper Marca on Fabien Barthez's performance against Real Madrid.
