The action was back on at the Mecca of Football, Firth Rixon Aurora Sports Ground, as at last the Hearts had a game for the first time in 4 weeks. Hearts were still not able to select from a full squad as Yosemite Sam was caught up at work in the interrogation room having finally caught Daffy Duck, Phil Mitchell was on leave after a heavy nights birthday drinking and God knows where Ian “Apu” Stacey was. Injury accounted for Steven Belk (again), Hokan and Wes were also absent although unconfirmed sightings suggest they had been together in the Fairy Liquid Club in Brighton until the early hours of Sunday morning. 

The defence had a familiar look to it once again with the return of Nintendo 64 and Dearnsy, the former recently passing his “Defending for beginners” course, but manager Linnell has now applied for Joe to attend a British Rail Timekeeping Course. Taylor was a last minute inclusion after he arrived back in England after a few days in Niigata, Japan. 6.6 on the scale you know, he gets stronger as the weeks go on. 

Manager Linnell’s teamtalk was rudely interrupted by Adult dvd’s being passed around the changing room. Little Rob got very excited by reportedly his first sight of naked ladies (unconfirmed) but it was Mark ‘playa’ Thompson who took centre stage as “awesome afro anal” made an appearance. Not one to shy away from such media, Captain Catridge spent the next 10 minutes ignoring the manager and a bit like Bumble on the all sports show was rooting through the covers. 

Ex-Goal Banger Cartridge put the Hearts in the lead with a far post header, before the Hearts forgot how to defend for a mad five minutes conceding 2 sloppy goals including a dubious penalty, in between Mark Thompson was replaced by Ted Wylie after stretching one too many muscles…Club Doctors later revealing Thompson had overstretched several muscles the previous night! 

Tiggy Ball 

Though the Hearts got back in the driving seat with a good goal from Robbie Aspinall, the scores were tied at 2-2 when one of the Southey Social strikers was upset with the referee’s decision. The striker opted to introduce the referee to a game of ‘tiggy ball’, the referee clearly not impressed at being ‘on’ proceeded to introduce the striker into a new game called ‘early bath’. Danny Wooffinden then put the Hearts back in the lead with a fine cross, that deceived the keeper to make it 3-2

Half Time : Sacred Heart 3 Southey Social 2 

In the second half the goals were still arriving in bucket loads as both defences struggled to contain both sets of strikers, indeed both goalkeepers had a couple of nightmare moments they will soon wish to forget. 

Lonely Hearts 

Hearts really should have capitalised on the man advantage but seemed intent on pushing the self destruct button. The most blatant example of this was the time and space given to Paris Hilton on the left wing that the Hearts failed to exploit. Paris therefore spent much of the second half unmarked on the touchline chatting to his dad, who luckily refrained from any new age disco this week. 

Cartridge went on to complete a fine Hat-trick with 2 left foot strikes to give the Hearts what one would deem to be a comfortable lead. However, the graduates from the “defending for beginners” course clearly need to do some revision as the Hearts conceded 2 poor goals to give the visitors a sniff of a draw. Luckily 3 late corners were well defended by the Hearts Captain who came back to show the defence how its done. 

Manager Linnell was not a happy man after the game, indeed the players were locked in the dressing room for an hour after the final whistle. Linnell who spent the previous evening watching the Godfather trilogy, stormed at the players “that was crap ! if we ever play like that again I’m going to kill all of you, your parents, your parents parents, your friends, your pets and your pets friends !!!”

Full Time : Sacred Heart 5 Southey Social 4 

Sacred Heart : Bailey, Wooffinden, Slocombe, Ntiedu, Dearns, Linnell (Merrill), Thompson (Wylie), Taylor, Hilton, Cartridge (C), Aspinall, All Subs used and Abused.