Absentees from the night were Joe Nintendo – exhausted after finally passing his ‘Defending for Beginners’ Course, after 3 resits and 7 recounts he claimed a 41% pass mark. Woofer (still in the shower), Wes (away camping), Slocombe (practicing Space Hopper manoeuvres), Paris (too fucking cool), Dearnsy (working on his Winter Range with Linda Barker), Sam (still chasing Daffy Duck), Andy (dropped aftershave bottle on his foot), Ted (still just too angry), Phil Mitchell (fell out with his brother), Stacey (had to work late at the Kwik E Mart), Hakon (too crazy) and Little Rob (who was not allowed out as it was way past his bedtime) were also missing in action. 

The fun began in the Vodka Revolution with Manager Linnell, Goal Shy Cartridge, Grant Mitchell and Ryan Taylor. A cash kitty was set up for the night and began at top speed with 4 beers, 4 vodka’s and a cocktail pitcher…..Cartridge picking the latter with a cocktail that suited his personality…. “Hard Pink Candy”. The Hearts progressed through the bar enjoying many massive sights and made a one night loan signing of Alan Crofts from Acorn Academicals, the signing proved to be stroke of genius as the night unfolded. After the lads had rewound their tongues into their mouths they made for the old Continental Bar on West Street. Due to not qualifying for the next round of the cup against Bia Hoi they went into the losers Cup – they were soon to be joined by injury enthusiast Steven Belk who had stolen an item of clothing from a young girl called Alice before he came out and was also sporting a jacket from the Dearnsy Autumn collection. 

Late arrivals of Mark ‘Playa’ Thompson who had a quiet night by his standards only managing to tease 17 bitches, and Dave ‘Chuckie’ France swelled the group as they dived into Takapuna’s. This is where Cartridge came into his own…Clearly wound up by a text message he had earlier received from an unknown source describing the finer side of the Sacred Heart Fan Club – with this Cartridge jumped into action, showing the opposition what they had been missing all season. Unfortunately, the scoring rate was similar to the rest of the season, 0!! 

The Party then jumped back on the team bus moving onto Napoleons for extra time. Not much can be reported at this stage as details are sketchy and the sources were unreliable at best. Also certain players, who must remain unnamed, have taken out a court injunction preventing the GOM team reporting anything after 1am due to allegations of “Dogging”  

Sacred Heart : Linnell, Belk, Crofts (on loan), Thompson, Merrill, Taylor, France, Cartridge