Treasure Island 

It meant a return for Yosemite Sam at centre back (Yee Ha), Andy Bailey was back between the sticks, the crazy dutch superstar got his first start of the season on the right wing and Taylor took over the Captains armband and penalty duties. Although had the Hearts been awarded a spot kick at the top end, Taylor may just have dug for treasure as the “spot” was in fact a 3 foot X. It is believed that Annika Rice was scheduled to land there after the match. Paris Hilton’s “Little Red Demon” also made a welcome return to the car park after it’s recent harrowing ordeal at the hands of some maniac Goldie Lookin’ Chain Fans. 

The game started late after a team of local farmers were called in to remove a herd of cows who had clearly been grazing on the pitch for several weeks. Both sides struggling to create any notable chances. The closest to a shot in the opening 20 minutes was when Grant Mitchell struck the home cross bar with a corner and for the hosts a ball dropped in the Hearts penalty box with the forward failing to connect with the goal at his mercy. This did however provoke a response from the Holmesfield centre back who in no uncertain terms told his team mates “you lot are fucking shite” 

Dodgy Defending (again) !! 

Holmesfield did open the scoring on 35 minutes. A break by the number 9 down the left looked to be covered as the Hearts only had 5 defenders covering and his support was just Chisholm in the box. As only Sam has completed his “defending for beginners” course, it was relatively easy for the Holmesfield striker to pick out his partner and Chisholm made no mistake for 1-0. 

Hearts had played some good football in places and passed the ball around well but seemed to be lacking a cutting edge in the final third. The fact that the home keeper, who was an outfield player, had not had a save of note to make summed up the first half performance. 

Half Time: Holmesfield 1 Sacred Heart 0 

The second half saw Hearts come more into the game and they deservedly equalised on 60 minutes. Paris Hilton did one of his tricks that drew a foul on the left wing. Grant Mitchell whipped in the free kick and the smallest man on the pitch, Robby Aspinall, rose like on a space hopper to power home a header. Robby chose not to celebrate with his team mates instead he went to his number one fan and top Hearts supporter on the touchline for the now customary kiss (lucky boy gets one before the match and at half time). Who can blame him really although the rest of the team may want to emulate this goal celebration in future matches especially chief goal banger Cartridge. 

Helmet goes box to box

Although Hearts have their own midfield duo in Phil and Grant Mitchell in the centre of the park, credit must go to Holmesfield who matched us with “Cheese” and “Helmet”. Helmet was very good at getting box to box but seemed to be held back by Cheese. Also shout of the day goes to the home keeper who told Helmet to “get that two pence off your fucking foot helmet” He forgot about the fifty pence on his head.

No sooner had Hearts got back into the game, they threw it away with some terrible defending. “Swampy” Linnell, obviously distracted by the number of trees to protest in surrounding the pitch, let in Chisholm for his and Holmesfield’s second. He then subbed himself, rightly so, and Dearns came on in his “Andre” cream leather jacket. Cream leather is for sofas and flash sports car seats, not jackets. Unfortunately, Dearns hadn’t learned from the player / manager and played a great throughball for the Holmesfield striker to make it 3.  

Afterwards Player / Manager Linnell commented “we again played well in patches but we need to learn how to defend. Once all my players have graduated from the “defending for beginners” course, we should start to string some results together.” 

Full Time : Holmesfield 3 Sacred Heart 1 

Sacred Heart :Bailey, Wooffinden, Slocombe, Yosemite, Linnell (Dearns), Oliver, Andresson, Merrill (Consentino), Aspinall, Taylor ©, Hilton : All Subs used and Abused

Holmesfield :No team sheet handed into the Goals on Monday team

Next week, 3rd October, sees Hearts at home to Handsworth White Rose at Aurora. Kick off 11am. This fixture is not yet confirmed as Tracey has been to the monthly meeting and not told anyone the October fixtures. Muppet !!